tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-147516262024-03-12T21:00:36.616-07:00Chaos of the CognitiveKJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.comBlogger68125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-86197898520110388232010-10-04T21:46:00.000-07:002010-10-04T22:07:43.978-07:00Random iPod ExperimentHit shuffle and discovered this is why my iPod thinks of me:<br /><br />IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?<br />We Dreamt in Heist<br /><br />HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?<br />Paperthin Hymn<br /><br />WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL<br />Inaudiable Melodies<br /><br />HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?<br />To Wake and Avenge the Dead<br /><br />WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?<br />Toxic<br /><br />WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?<br />Right Place Wrong Time<br /><br />WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?<br />Cold War Transmissions<br /><br />WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?<br />Fallen From the Sky<br /><br />WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?<br />Error Operator<br /><br />IF YOU WERE CRAZY, YOU WOULD RUN AROUND SAYING...<br />Sweet Home Alabama<br /><br />WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?<br />Pencil Full of Lead<br /><br />WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?<br />Sleeping to Dream<br /><br />WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?<br />New York Fairytale<br /><br />WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?<br />Lucky Denver<br /><br />WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?<br />Pump It<br /><br />WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?<br />Candy in the Sun<br /><br />WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?<br />Texas, Put Your Arms Around Me<br /><br />WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?<br />Umbrella<br /><br />WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?<br />Cheers, Darlin'<br /><br />WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?<br />Horseshoes and Hand GrenadesKJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-77596102269201113832010-06-04T22:05:00.000-07:002010-06-04T23:32:43.545-07:00Because I Said SoI laugh out loud every time I come to Leviticus 18 because I hear Grace saying "whores, lots of whores, whore city" when I read it.<br /><br />Though Leviticus can be a rather tedious read at times I perhaps oddly enjoy it. Numerous times God says, "Be holy, because I am holy." Unlike the pagan gods of the day God created a standard in which his people could live, a standard that considered their physical, emotional and spiritual needs and in doing so set them apart from all other nations. God desires holiness and holiness comes about, in part, by obedience.<br /><br />As I have struggled with finding a church, finding a safe place to use my gifts, I have humbly hit the wall of obedience. I know full well we as believers are to meet together. I understand theologically and rationally the meaning and importance of the church. And I <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">accept</span> that I was created with unique gifts that are to be used boldly. However my heart is jaded and, though much healing has happened, it is still broken and afraid.<br /><em></em><br />I ran into a local pastor at the movie theater and was struck yet again by his genuine shepherd's heart so I decided to go back to his church. Upon my arrival I had a classic <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">KJ</span> moment that left the usher laughing and I'm sure praying I would get saved that morning. And in the midst of my proud and bad mood I heard only one thing that morning, "the woman was in the perfect place to meet Jesus... because she was broken." And as that penetrated the walls of my heart I decided that this must be the church for me.<br /><br />Flash forward a few more weeks and I'm back to my Sunday morning funk. But it was different that day, after getting all ready and just about to walk out the door I changed my mind, the series was less than enticing and I had no desire to sit through another devotion on steroids. So I threw my purse down and went for another cup of coffee, but I had that heavy impression that God had other plans. And in a brief moment I knew I needed to put down the coffee and pick up my purse and go to church.<br /><br />So I went, and I sat disengaged and bored, I tuned out and started reading through Leviticus. And I found the answer to my question why God would want me to settle for something I don't love. It was just as simple as what he told the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Israelites</span> "I am the Lord your God" which is pretty much the divine equivalent of "because I said so." And for now its enough of a reason for me to obey.KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-37825697246263391452010-05-29T16:30:00.000-07:002010-05-29T16:41:20.405-07:00The Giving Tree<p><object style="BACKGROUND-IMAGE: url(http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/4kmyRYwddDs/hqdefault.jpg)" width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/4kmyRYwddDs&hl=en_US&fs=1"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/4kmyRYwddDs&hl=en_US&fs=1" width="425" height="344" allowscriptaccess="never" allowfullscreen="true" wmode="transparent" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></p><p>A childhood favorite read by a new favorite.</p>KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-51114514719377046542010-04-02T17:38:00.000-07:002010-04-02T19:00:07.745-07:00Settle.Is there ever a time when settling is the best choice we can make?<br /><br />Could I ever give in and actually <em>choose</em> to settle?<br /><br />I met up with a friend the other night and the conversation found its way to my least favorite topic...church. I dread going to church these days, mainly because I haven't found my trifecta (Matt Chandler preaching, Mars Hill worship and the fellowship/authenticity of Capernwray). And as I shared with my friend how I'd decided on a church then back peddled essentially because of one sermon, I knew in my gut that he was going to challenge me on this. And I was not happy, yet God has a way of ordaining certain conversations and moments to speak wildly into your heart, I suppose this can occur while looking at a Bible verse in the middle of a crowded and loud pub.<br /><br /><em>"Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing..." Hebrews 10:25 </em><br /><br />I think a few other verses were thrown out but this is the one that stuck. I fully understand the implications of a lonely faith and I recognize God's desire for his people to share life together, yet hurt and fear keep me from obedience. But this is a tension I must start to wrestle. I've held on desperately to the hope that I will walk into a church and feel at peace but this hasn't happened and I'm starting to think it may never because I am searching for something that does not exist this side of Glory.<br /><br />My friend told me I need to settle for a church.<br /><br />To me that is weakness...that is a death. Settling has never been an acceptable word in my vocabulary. I strive to live abundantly avoiding mediocrity at all costs, anything of worth I refuse second best. So to hear someone seriously say that I need to settle made my core rise up and want to fight, to prove him wrong. But as I've been mulling over this today I've started to wonder if just maybe this is an opportunity to experience God's strength in a new way.<br /><br /><em>"...my power is made perfect in weakness..." 2 Corinthians 12:9</em><br /><br />No one wants to admit they are weak and I am no exception. Choosing a church I do not hands down love scares me immensely. It makes me feel small and at risk. But am I robbing God of moving in a great way? Could it be that for me to settle is the greatest act of obedience I can offer in this season? The greatest sacrifice?<br /><br />To be honest, I don't know what my decision will be. I don't want a "settled soul mate" church. But I feel the Spirit's leading and challenge. God has beckoned me to struggle this and I will. I will fight it and I know full well that I will lose but if I come out with a conviction it will not be in vain.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><em></em><br /><em></em>KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-62207588422179926492010-03-31T09:59:00.000-07:002010-03-31T10:05:38.150-07:00Jacked Up Creation<span style="font-size:85%;">(I wrote this a few years back and for some reason it has been on my mind to share again, so forgive me the repetition and enjoy...)</span><br /><strong><em></em></strong><br /><strong><em>dawn</em></strong><br />Lay down, lay down you filthy whore<br />Lay down, lay down you unwed mother<br />Lay down, lay down you hurting little girl<br />A grieving, angry heart you act out your<br />rebellion towards your Father. He took<br />your mentor, your friend, your mother<br />and left you with a preacher dad, too busy<br />for you. You conclude your Father does<br />not care so you run the other way.<br />Traces of the girl you once were still remain,<br />but your stubborn heart would rather<br />drown in pain. Through your teary eyes,<br />your world crashes again as you see a pink<br />line. He abandoned you again...again He’s left<br />you to your own devices. Again you conclude<br />He does not care. Lay down, lay down, you<br />hurting, scared, lost little girl.<br /><br /><strong><em>dave</em></strong><br />You abandoned your principles for<br />temporal freedom–neglecting the price tag.<br />Dawn was your escape from a faux union,<br />from a nagging, controlling woman called,<br />wife. The squeaky wipers, (they sound just<br />like her) wake you from your haunting<br />thoughts and bring you back to face the<br />truth. A devastated girl sits with a blank<br />expression staring out the window. Your<br />guilty conscience says its your fault,<br />condemns you a murderer. The rain stops<br />and the Son breaks through–you squint,<br />trying to look away–there should be no<br />Son today–not for you, an accomplice to<br />a premature death for an unwanted life.<br />You fight back tears and beg the Son to<br />leave. You abandon your principles again,<br />you choose to live in shadows,<br />forgetting the warmth of the Son.<br /><br /><strong><em>diane</em></strong><br />Tick tock, always watching the clock<br />Tick tock, wondering where’s he at<br />Haggard and unsure he stumbles through<br />the door only to be met with a barrage of<br />your belittling hisses. No sweet kisses on<br />his tear stained face, no look of concern or<br />love, or even respect. He doesn’t deserve it,<br />for you suspect this inadequate, incompetent,<br />unreliable, unfaithful man. You secretly pride<br />yourself on your strong will, and ability to<br />intimidate him with just a look. He shuffles<br />shamefully passed you and locks himself<br />in his den. You bring before your god<br />the injustices against you. You bring before<br />your god your unhappy home. You beg him<br />to fix your husband, whom you disgust.<br />Tick tock, you call the preacher with the<br />wayward daughter. Tick tock.<br /><br /><strong><em>dan</em></strong><br />Beloved or a failure–who are you?<br />A grieving widower who’s daughter has<br />run amuck. Who are you to mend your<br />flock, to speak in to the silence that<br />consumes the room and the tension that<br />destroys peace as the couple glares at one<br />another with cold eyes, crossed arms and<br />closed hearts. Your tired of this scene,<br />played out each day with differing faces and<br />calloused hearts, broken hearts, healing hearts,<br />different couples, same couch. Your tired of<br />trying to fix what no human can. You look<br />at today’s residents of the couch, you think<br />of your hurting little girl and your heart cries,<br />"O God! What have you done? Where have<br />you gone?" Each dawn you wrestle and fight<br />to comprehend the incomprehensible. A<br />grieving widower, the father to a stranger<br />who are you–a failure or beloved?<br /><br /><strong><em>The bloodied Savior weeps for his</em></strong><br /><strong><em>beloved. For how these children</em></strong><br /><strong><em>profane their Father’s redeeming</em></strong><br /><strong><em>love and deny the Spirit’s comfort.</em></strong><br /><strong><em>The bloodied Savior weeps for his</em></strong><br /><strong><em>beloved.</em></strong>KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-88102258016306465402010-03-03T12:47:00.001-08:002010-03-03T12:47:01.974-08:00Good Will Hunting - "It's Not Your Fault"<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/uY6k50qB4Ys' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/uY6k50qB4Ys'/></object></p><p>Beautiful scene where Will is allowed to engage in his hurt and to begin the healing, to set free the lies the he has believed and lived under for so long but first he has to choose to listen and trust the truth</p></div>KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-37748779300933544382010-01-30T11:01:00.000-08:002010-01-30T11:32:24.910-08:00With A Punch and A Kiss<em>"And when he comes, </em><br /><em>your Maker will greet </em><br /><em>you with a punch and </em><br /><em>a kiss."</em><br /><em>--excerpt from "Laundry Room" </em><br /><em></em><br /><em>"I will not leave you alone. You are mine. I know each of My sheep by name. You belong to me. If you think I am finished with you, if you think I am a small god that you can keep at a safe distance, I will pounce upon you like a roaring lion, tear you to pieces, rip you to shreds, and break every bone in your body. Then I will mend you, cradle you in my arms, and kiss you tenderly."--Brennen Manning</em><br /><br />There are times in our lives where all the love and all the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">encouragement</span> falls on a fading heart, where the kind words and sincere prayers make no impression. There are times where what we need to hear is a harsh truth...spoken in love of course, but harsh and true nonetheless. There are times we have an unknown, unspoken craving for heart to be shocked back into life.<br /><br />I am in one such season. Unhappily <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-error">unchurched</span> for almost three years. Feeling dry, distant and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">extremely</span> jaded. I've known the toll its taken on my cognitive spirituality but have not cared...for that is merely head knowledge and doesn't cut to the core of who God created me to be. I met with an old teacher/pastor/friend last week and for the first time in three years heard what I needed to realize the depth of my depravity in this season.<br /><br />He spoke to the woman he knew years ago;<br />the creative artist,<br />the passionate servant teacher,<br />the joyful follower and<br />the eager student.<br /><br />He spoke to what he saw now,<br />an <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">unchurched</span> follower who is allowing my gifts to wither on the vine,<br />the deer panting for water because I am so far from the stream.<br /><br />That was the punch.<br /><br />This is the kiss...<br /><br />I am running back to wide open arms:<br /><em>"I still stand here waiting,with my eyes fixed on the road,and I fight back tears and I wonder,if you're ever coming home,don't you know son that I love you,and I don't care where you've been,yes and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">I'll</span> be right here waiting,'til you come around the bend,and I run to you and hold you close,won't let go again,so please come home,please come home..." --Dustin <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-error">Kensrue</span> "Please Come Home"</em><br /><em></em><br />I am not naive enough to think this will be a easy thing, that walking back into church with the intent to be involved and revived will be a cake walk. I know it will be hard, I know I will struggle to trust and to be known. But I know it is clearly time.<br /><br />As such is the Lord's character he deals with his people in love and <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">kindness</span> yet overt <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_7" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">persistence</span>...over the years he has not once left my side, not when I stopped going to church, not when I stopped reading his Word, not when I started praying only when I needed it...no, he held me this whole time no matter the struggle I put up...but that is our pursing King...never leaves his child no matter our rebellious ways. His gentle nudging and now his strong push leave me bare and ready to walk with him, not merely carried by him.<br /><br />It is truly humbling to know to what lengths the Lord will pursue, to what depths he will follow to protect, to what heights he will scale to love the proud and to what distances he will run to welcome the prodigal.KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-3804717253080196802009-12-30T17:58:00.000-08:002009-12-30T18:49:07.644-08:00A New Grief<em>“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”--Washington Irving</em><br /><br />I have come to realize over the years that, to me, crying is a sign of weakness. That it is an inability to solider on, to deal rationally with problems or at times just a silly response. Not that I have never cried but rarely in public and when I do I promptly berate myself for allowing such an emotional break. I've been one to silently pride myself on my lack of tearful emotion, to look at those who weep on a dime with distaste and to extract myself from "sticky" sad situations.<br /><br />Death, however, draws me to a new place.<br /><br />I have known people who've passed away, I have myself have been dangerously close before, and yet nothing prepared me for the unexpected grief when my longtime friend left this world. I found myself living in a zombie state wanting only to cry yet years of discipline left my cheeks dry. Like a pro I avoided any and all people, things and places that may churn up memories. I prayed diligently for his family, not really knowing what to pray for. I found my days distracted by movies, work, shopping and a healthy dose of Guinness. I found my nights to be sleepless and filled with memories I fought. These memories begged for airtime and begged for tears. Tears that I could not shed. Saline locked away in a formal and anatomical place that my heart was not allowed access.<br /><br />There is a beautifully tragic scene in <em>Australia</em> where <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_0" class="blsp-spelling-error">Nalah's</span> mother drowns and he tells Mrs. Boss Lady, "We can't say her name anymore." I've been thinking of this recently of how most cultures and society have a way of grieving, a way that they are able to make sense of tremendous loss and to comfort one another. Be it tribal rituals, sitting <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_1" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">Shiva</span> or having a wake there is something wonderful about having a path on which to tearfully tread while you struggle to reconcile the heart and head around such loss. Have we become a society of stupid strength? Or is it just me?<br /><br /><em>“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”--Washington Irving</em><br /><em></em><br />Monday night I embraced the memories. I listened to the saved birthday voicemail. I recalled the bear hugs and fights and words of <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_2" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">encouragement</span>. I remembered the time at <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_3" class="blsp-spelling-error">Winterflash</span> where he frustrated me so much that I bit him. I remembered the time he toasted my career accomplishments and the times he pushed me to go further. I remembered the drive to and from <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_4" class="blsp-spelling-error">Bellingham</span> and telling him to just stop complaining and make something happen. I remember the time he gave me wine because my roommate didn't like alcohol is the apartment. I remembered the <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_5" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">conversations</span> around faith, theology and life in general. We last talked days before he passed away, I recalled our <span id="SPELLING_ERROR_6" class="blsp-spelling-corrected">conversation</span> and the plans we made.<br /><br />I remembered Justin and I cried.KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-48104820218269875962009-12-09T21:26:00.000-08:002009-12-13T09:51:28.818-08:00Muted Soulthe volume is turned so low its practically silent but some noise escapes<br /><br />sadly in order to mute the pain the joy must also be drowned in stillness<br /><br />trying to get to the beauty is just too daunting...<br /><br />the dragon gaurds that path and smoke curls from its nostrils,<br /><br />daring me to enter just so flames can ravage my scared heart<br /><br />fear, the great paralyzer<br /><br />will I ever have the courage to see the son again<br /><br />will i ever fight the flames and silence to pull back the night and embrace the gloryKJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-23524373824353935372009-09-29T18:01:00.001-07:002009-09-29T18:01:52.912-07:00What if Starbucks Marketed Like a Church? A Parable.<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/D7_dZTrjw9I' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/D7_dZTrjw9I'/></object></p><p>Thoughts?</p></div>KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-6429638001008790982008-06-09T11:28:00.001-07:002008-06-09T11:28:52.503-07:00Kid singing Britney Spears scared to death by his mom<div xmlns='http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml'><p><object height='350' width='425'><param value='http://youtube.com/v/W-qJaow1Kf0' name='movie'/><embed height='350' width='425' type='application/x-shockwave-flash' src='http://youtube.com/v/W-qJaow1Kf0'/></object></p><p>A pretty good laugh, watch the whole thing : )</p></div>KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-71499346524972283612008-03-09T15:26:00.000-07:002008-03-09T15:30:04.133-07:00We Have Not Know Thee As We OughtBy Thomas Pollack<br /><br />We have not known Thee as we ought,<br />Nor learned Thy wisdom, grace and power;<br />The things of earth have filled our thought,<br />And trifles of the passing hour.<br /><br />Lord, give us light Thy truth to see,<br />And make us wise in knowing Thee.<br />We have not feared Thee as we ought,<br />Nor bowed beneath Thine awful eye,<br />Nor guarded deed and word and thought,<br />Remembering that God was nigh.<br /><br />Lord, give us faith to know Thee near,<br />And grant the grace of holy fear.<br />We have not loved Thee as we ought,<br />Nor cared that we are loved by Thee;<br />Thy presence we have coldly sought,<br />And feebly longed Thy face to see.<br /><br />Lord, give a pure and loving heart<br />To feel and know the love Thou art.<br />We have not served Thee as we ought,<br />Alas, the duties left undone,<br />The work with little fervor wrought,<br />The battles lost or scarcely won!<br /><br />Lord, give the zeal, and give the might,<br />For Thee to toil, for Thee to fight.<br />When shall we know Thee as we ought,<br />And fear and love and serve aright?<br />When shall we, out of trial brought,<br />Be perfect in the land of light?<br /><br />Lord, may we day by day prepare<br />To see Thy face and serve Thee there.KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-24554756050532678622008-02-22T18:05:00.000-08:002008-02-22T18:57:37.361-08:00The Church's Pink NailsSomewhere between the "concert" worship and conversational mile wide sermon I had a shocking thought: "I think I hate the Church." I replayed in my mind the churches I have seen, of the Church during the great revivals, and went back in my mind to the Church before and after Luther's <em>95 Theses</em>, all the way back to the first century Church and I thought to myself, "She pretty much sickens me."<br /><br />Wrong thought for a good little God fearing, Jesus loving, Spirit led PK to have, let alone for her to share with anyone who reads this... but indulge me a few minutes of your time and I hope I can explain to you what I am beginning to learn about the Church.<br /><br />Throughout church history I might venture to say the biggest problem has been that of a monumental collision between <strong>Truth and Relevance</strong>. The Truth is vital. It is foundational to our churches. Without Truth we would be nothing more than a cult. All to often it is unpopular and uncomfortable but it is always glorious, and its weight is well worth it. Relevance is not bad. In fact it is true that we should always be changing the method of the message and not the other way around. Its not to be the other way around because then the quest to cultural or moral <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">relevance</span> runs the great risk of dampening the light of the Truth.<br /><br />Since the start of the Church the maddening balancing act of the message and the method has revealed some of her unique beauty marks and at other times created a wart. She is fallen, She is broken, She is flawed, and yes, sometimes She is downright ugly.<br /><br />But she is BEAUTIFUL. Its a beauty I can't describe. A beauty I can't understand. A beauty that draws me in. A beauty I can't walk away from.<br /><br />Each Sunday I am drawn back, I crave to see a glimpse of her deep beauty. I hunger for it. But what is the great Beauty? That is what I can't put my finger on. Its the "Mona Lisa smile" of the Christian faith...what is behind that front? Is is it the Father's free gift, the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">sacrificial</span> love of the Son, the presence of the Spirit? Is it the fellowship that grows out of believers coming together in His name?<br /><br />She is complex and crazy, privy to scandal, involved in politics, She is used and abused, battered and broken. But she somehow keeps nourishing us, supporting us. We need her. She is like Lisa in <em>Girl, Interrupted. </em>You watch her fall apart and take others with her, you watch as she destroys lives and causes great pain. But by the end of the movie you are fighting for her to be the woman she is inside, the woman buried under the many hurts. You fight for her to overcome her labels and to be Lisa.<br /><br />Its a beautiful scene at the end, Lisa is lying in restraints at the hospital, Susanna comes in to say goodbye. She pulls out some pink nail polish. As they oddly, tensely say goodbye Susanna paints Lisa's nails. Something is that act reminds her of her beauty, reminds her that she is a woman. Something that causes her to hope.<br /><br />The Church is the bride of Christ. Sadly she may never fully look the part but if you look throughout her expansive history she has, at least, always had pink nails. Do you see it?KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-86750323643724065162008-02-09T10:56:00.001-08:002008-02-09T11:18:36.026-08:00Invisible Bibles in the Invisible PewsWhat is a church without the phyiscal Word?<br /><br />Sadly on my great church hunt I have been to more churches where the Bible is removed from the people. Where I sit with my Bible open and my blue scribbled notes covering the pages and I sit there and feel embarassed...feel out of place. All because I brought my Bible, and heavens no! I took it out when the pastor started preaching. This should not be!!!<br /><br />I know there are a lot of churches out there who do still expect their congregation to bring their Bibles to church, who expect them to be read throughout the week and not collect dust. Most of the churches I've been going to are newer, emerging and very trendy. The passage is plastered onto big screens alongside the notes everyone should take. The teaching rarely moves from one passage in a book to another. Essentially there is no need for the Bible anymore.<br /><br />In an attempt to draw more people in, to make them feel more comfortable God's infalliable Word, a fundamental backbone to our faith, is getting pushed aside, covered up. And this is a great tragedy. How do all these new believers, new attenders, old believers, anyone...how does anyone know what they are really being taught? Is the pastor preaching heresies? At one church I visited he most certainly was. Is the pastor misintrepting a key passage? At one church he was.<br /><br />And worse than not allowing the congregation to follow in the way of the Bereans, it does nothing to inspire or convict one to read their Bible throughout the week. If the example is not set, the bar not raised why bother? No one will ask, there's no need to.<br /><br />We, the American Church, are very priveleged. We are not the underground Church in China. Every believer in America can have multiple Bibles, and probably do! The Church in China maybe has one per church. It sickens me to see the path so many churches are starting to walk down.<br /><br />There is a place for all of the churches within the Global church in Revelation 2 and 3. Sadly I condsider some of these new emerging churches, though they grow at alarming speed, have great programs, integrate art into worship, reach out to their surrounding community, yet they do no place a high enough importance on the Word...I consider them to be like the Ephsian church, forsaking their first love, or like the Laodicean church, becoming lukewarm just waiting to be spit out.<br /><br />Psalm 119.KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-90857012978026896942008-01-03T10:35:00.000-08:002008-01-03T11:17:58.508-08:00The Longest Longing<em>We are convinced that a rightly lived life must give us serenity, completion and fulfillment. Comfort means "right" and distress means "wrong". The influence of such convictions is stifling to the human spirit. Individually and collectively, we must somehow recover the truth. The truth is,<strong> we were never meant to be completely satisfied</strong>. </em><br /><em>--Gerald May</em><br /><br />I'm finally starting to believe this truth...that I will always be longing. Because we are bound by our flesh and redeemed by the Lamb, pursuing comfort is nothing more than a chasing after the wind.<br /><br />But comfort, as my human nature defines it, is so enticing. Comfort as the defined by the Lord troubles me...you never what may come, be it seasons of loneliness, of persecution, of abundance, of sorrow or joy, comfort for the child of God is very different. It is volatile and fragile, unexpected and uncontollable.<br /><br /><div>Perhaps we shouldn't even use the word comfort.<br /><br />Perhaps sovereign sufficiency is a better explanation of how we ought to live. That we live trusting and believing, clinging to the promise and knowledge that the Lord has mapped out our life, laid down his foundations for us to stand and live upon. And that as creator of our needs, he will provide for those exact needs, and sometimes we will be unhappy and engulfed in distress. At other times our joy and peace will be evident to all.<br /><br />However, no matter where we feel we are, we must never forget he will never satisfy so much that we no longer hope for Glory. That deeply embedded distress within every soul...that is the longest longing from which there is no deliverance until the Lamb returns as the Lion.<br /><br /></div>KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-28373548443973630732007-12-16T17:05:00.000-08:002007-12-16T17:06:23.762-08:00Lessons in Reckless DancingSo I visited a church a few weeks back and heard a message that has pretty much haunted me. It lurks in the recesses of my mind throughout the day and at night as I fall asleep it glides to the front of my mind, sweeping all other thoughts away as if they are mere bits of dust on a shelf. To engage in it is to admit flaw, to face inadequacy and acknowledge my human heart.<br /><br />It was sermon on David. And I’ve yet to dance as David danced so I love messages on David, hoping to take away something from his life and faith to help me dance a little more…liberated : ) But it wasn’t a message on how he praised, or on how he trusted God and killed Goliath, or how he wrote such wonderful psalms. The text for the morning was 1 Samuel 11. David and Bathsheba. I fought tuning out, thinking it would be something I’d heard before but I focused in and was quite surprised.<br /><br />Pastor Josh Hebert raised the question how did David even get to the place where as king, he watched his men go off to war, where as king he stood on his rooftop and indulged his fantasy. How did David, the man we esteem for great and intimate faith, reach this place of comfort? How did a man who had everything, who had lived so well, seen so much, experienced it all, how did he reach this point?<br /><br />Josh’s answer is what haunts me…it was thanklessness. Had David reached a place where in spite of everything he had, in spite of the blessings the Lord had given, in spite of it all he was unthankful?<br /><br />It makes sense. I must admit, when I am unthankful the ugly side of my humanness comes tumbling out…the envy, the greed, the coveting, the lust, the anger, the biting tongue, no matter the object of my unthankful attitude and heart, it all spills out and over simply because I cannot see the many great gifts I have in my hand. I refuse to let myself be satisfied with Christ alone.<br /><br />So I find myself haunted by a message on the dangers of not being thankful and being pursued by job and monetary struggles. And I can’t help but think they go hand in hand. I have to remind myself each day as I wake and as I drift to sleep, be thankful for the provisions. Be thankful for the big love of a great God. Be thankful, just be thankful.<br /><br />And dance. Dance with a recklessness to rival David…well, at least try to : )KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-67706875146079778532007-10-09T10:36:00.001-07:002007-10-09T10:42:43.357-07:00Philippians 4:19,20<em>And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen. --Philippians 4:19, 20</em><br /><em></em><br />Praise the Lord we can cling to this promise. And not just for our material needs but our heartfelt needs our soul needs. Our God is so good.KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-86385280620150828782007-09-15T01:45:00.000-07:002007-09-15T02:10:55.758-07:00UndilutedI want to follow Christ with an undiluted faith.<br /><br />I fear I fail miserably at this ambition. There is always something wooing me away from my Creator and jealous lover...dreams. Dreams of the desired life, dreams of love, dreams of success, dreams of what is not meant to be. But I let these dreams crowd my heart and seep into my everyday faith...diluting it just a wee bit. But this is where the beauty of grace overwhlems.<br /><br />When my selfish dreams shatter, when they hit the ground of reality with such force that there are peices I will never see again, somehow I am still found worthy, still recieved with unbearable joy and pursued with such passion and violence. This is something far too wonderful for me to understand fully. Something so beautiful it leaves me speechless.<br /><br />It is in thse times my King reminds me of the dreams he's written for me, dreams I fear to believe for the greatness and sheer beauty of them. Dreams that haunt me in a way that I cannot even explain. Dreams I do not share with others but hold in my heart, trying to believe.<br /><br />I want an undiluted faith...I want to believe Jeremiah 29:11 in a way I have not before.KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-62087806068234524222007-07-30T23:20:00.001-07:002007-08-21T17:11:58.190-07:00The Blue Dream<em>Hold loosely...</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>...to this life.</em><br /><em>...to these dreams.</em><br /><em>...to these fears.</em><br /><em>...to these hopes.</em><br /><em>...to the future.</em><br /><em></em><br /><em>Hold them loosely my love for I am <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">passionately</span> for you and boldly leading you. Loosen your grip on what is fleeting and trust. Hold tightly only to my Word and I will hold tightly to you as I take you into the unknown, but first you must loosen your grip...</em><br /><em></em><br />I've been having this dream for a while where I'm walking down a dark hallway, I'm moving fast and with purpose, headed for the door at the end. There's a blue light coming through the cracks and I press on down this long hallway. I pass all these other doors on my way, I don't ever see them but I know they are there. I reach the door and confidently, naturally turn the knob to open the door but it won't turn. I stop and try again. And again. I start shaking the door and pulling, kicking it and shouting at it and getting more and more frustrated and angry by the moment. This feels like it goes on for hours, I'm sweaty and exhausted and mad at the door, mad at the hallway and I slump to the floor and kick it one last time. Nothing. Just the most beautiful blue light coming through the cracks, taunting me with something I can't get too. I've been aware of all the other doors but hadn't taken notice, for some reason I look to the right and there is a door wide open, there's a haze inside and blue light too, its a different blue though. It draws my attention every time. For the longest time I would just stare at it until I woke up. Then I started to move towards it. And for the last year I've just stood in front of it, glancing back at the locked door and looking into the open one, the door I don't want, the door I don't know where it leads to. So I've been standing on the threshold in blatant <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">defiance</span> and never crossing it.<br /><br />I had the dream again a couple of weeks ago and was thinking about it again recently, what it means, what is it a picture of, is the locked door full time ministry or is that the open door? Or are they both? What did I have for dinner that night? Am I going crazy or is the Lord actually trying to speak to me through my dreams again?<br /><br />And then while I was driving home today, randomly thought of the dream and then the Lord said, <em>hold loosely...</em>KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-13578335362088427812007-06-16T13:54:00.000-07:002007-06-16T14:02:43.706-07:00Father's DayJust a few reasons why I love my dad:<br /><br />*He killed all the monsters from under my bed, in my closet, behind my door with "Monster-be-Gone" when I was little<br />*He's treated me to a Saturday Subway lunch and chat for over 10 years<br />*He taught me to think deeply and not just take what people say or preach without reflecting on it<br />*He taught me that being the voice of discernment isn't always easy, doesn't always make friends like you'd wish but its so valuable<br />*He showed me what true humility and integrity looks like<br />*He's helped me out of more than a few <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">financial</span> pickles :)<br />*He taught me to love books (my mom helped with this too)<br />*He bought me Cheery Bear after a traumatic bathroom experience at the Grand Canyon<br />*He bought me my authentic Pooh bear in London when I was ready to go to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">Capernwray</span> and feeling a little nervous<br />*He helped pay for me to go to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Capernwray</span> (again, my mama helped with this too)<br />*He's always supported me<br />*He's let me use his airline miles more than a few times to see my lovely sister<br />*He gave me all his loose change when I was little and the tag along on <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">SMT</span> trips<br />*He's had a lot of patience with when I've been a snotty daughter :)<br />*He's just the best!!!<br /><br />Happy father's day Daddy!!!<br /><br />Love,<br /><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Squidet</span>KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-88668757409097438362007-06-14T09:07:00.000-07:002007-06-14T09:23:54.747-07:00AwakeI'm in a place I never wanted to be. But a place we all end up for a season or two.<br /><br />Spiritually, I'm laying in a big, comfy bed with a nice down comforter pulled over me and every time the Spirit nudges me to get up, I roll over and cover my face. I don't want to get up. I'm comfortable. I don't want to get up and be cold and not know what lies ahead. In my bed I know what lies ahead is more sleep. But just as you reach a point physically where you just cannot sleep anymore and you toss and turn until you finally throw off the covers and grumpily get out of bed, Spiritually our soul reaches this point too.<br /><br />I'm tossing and turning. I know I am comfortable, I know I am fighting the daylight and the Spirit's wake-up call. I know I keep hitting the snooze button. But there is no snooze button today. Today I roll over and I see a very exhausted and hurt looking Jesus slumped against the wall just watching me. An unspoken look is traded where I know just how much my selfish desire to be comfortable has pushed him away, has been like punch in the face to him, and he knows just how ashamed and discouraged I feel right now for letting myself get so comfortable.<br /><br />I'm awake now, I'm sitting up in bed and Jesus is standing in front of me waiting. Waiting to see what I'm going to do. Am I going to throw off the covers and run into his arms, find real comfort there in the midst of a chaotic world or will I lay back down and pull the covers over my head?<br /><br />I know what I want to do. I know what I need to do. O Lord have mercy on this weak soul as<em> </em>I wake.KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-73906323982920982932007-04-19T09:39:00.000-07:002007-04-19T10:19:49.733-07:00He Who Sees the Heart is to be Trusted, Not FoughtI am so glad God looks at the heart, bypassing all our efforts and actions and words. I am too harsh a judge.<br /><br />I've been thinking about this recently, how I have a nasty habit I desire so much to break: I see only the appearance and don't strive to see the heart God sees.<br /><br />God convicted me of this in a certain situation where, for the life of me I could not understand why he would allow an individual a role of leadership. In my mind's eye he was highly unqualified for the job, not experienced enough, on the arrogant side of the spectrum and it upset me. I thought to myself "God couldn't be in this, He couldn't bless this." And I treated this individual with contempt in my heart, because well, I thought I was justified in doing so.<br /><br />Enter Samuel and David. <em>For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart. </em>(I Samuel 16:7)<br /><br /><br />Yes, I know its a Sunday school lesson I learned a long time ago in a place called, "Innocent Sponge" (where you soak up every little bible story and moral lesson but like a sponge it dries out and you have to learn it again). But isn't so much of the Christian life learning over and over and over? Are we not wandering Israelites much of the time, forgetting and doubting and stumbling over our own pride?<br /><br />So as I was quite convicted and humbled as I read through the story again. As I read each line the Spirit spoke to me, "It is Our ministry and We alone choose." Who knew that after 13 verses I could feel so small and so utterly rebuked. I just sat there for a quite some time, trying to wrap my brain around what had just happened. And then finally repenting of my judging heart. As always the forgiveness that follows is sweet and sacred. So undeserving am I yet so blessed by this eternally merciful and graceful and patient God.<br /><br /><br />God commands us to trust him. And this command is still true when it comes to who He appoints as leaders...we need to trust he knows what is best for the appointed leader, the flock under him, the larger church, and so on and so on. And then we are to submit to the appointed leader as <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">appropriate</span> as an act of obedience to the Lord and acting on faith that God has placed them in a <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">position</span> of leadership in our/my life for a specific reason.<br /><br />Trust, the great underlying issue, do we trust God enough to faithfully follow the ones he has appointed?KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-53994620283947962492007-04-05T12:24:00.000-07:002007-04-05T13:25:59.056-07:00My SisterShe's an amazing woman and I love her.KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-56007680959452411112007-03-14T09:17:00.000-07:002007-03-14T09:36:51.352-07:00TemptationThis last week in my <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">hermeneutics</span> class we studied the passage in Luke where Jesus is tempted by the devil at the outset of his ministry. That passage is rich with insights and truth but one thing stood out to me more than anything else.<br /><br />Twice in Hebrews (2:18 and 4:15) it says that Jesus was tempted as we are, therefore he can aid us because he understands the temptation. I sometimes wonder how this can be. Did Jesus ever really undergo all the temptations that we do? But he did. Perhaps not in every specific situation (was he ever tempted to clock in early at work?) but I think what the temptation appeals to is what he understands--pride, desire, self-preservation, greed, and so on.<br /><br />I understand that principle but I tend to struggle with finding it in the Bible. I am one of those who, sadly, all too often forgets that Jesus lived beyond what we see in the Bible. Not all of his life is recorded in our four gospels. There was so much more to his life we know <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">absolutely</span> nothing about (John 21:25). Which leads me to Luke 4.<br /><br />So it says that Jesus was led into the desert and tempted for 40 days. At the end of which he was tempted three more times. My question is what happened in those 40 days? Luke says he was tempted for 40 days. That is not an empty phrase. It got me thinking that maybe, just maybe it was in those days that the Lord was tempted in all the ways we are. We have no clue what happened between Jesus and the Devil in those days but just think, what if in that time he was tempted to give into his greed? If he was tempted by desire? Just because its not in ink doesn't mean nothing happened. And even if in those 40 days he wasn't tempted in all the ways we are, this insight (?) got me thinking. Who's to say he wasn't tempted elsewhere as we were. So much of his life is a mystery to us.<br /><br />I guess its not too much of a life altering thought but it just reminded me to think of Jesus beyond the pages of our Bible, he was a man who lived and laughed and cried and was tempted. He really was like us, just a little more complex and completely perfect :)KJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14751626.post-16047255247963643712007-03-07T07:51:00.000-08:002007-03-07T08:08:06.607-08:00Demonic InsightsI've been reading C.S. Lewis' <em>The Screwtape Letters</em> this week. Its always so eye-opening and insightful and makes me take a step back and look at things in my life... last night as I put the book down I started to wonder what my "demonic handbook" might look like.<br /><br />What vices of mine are rooted in evil?<br /><br />What is behind my constant lack of sleep and exhaustion?<br /><br />The lies I hear come at specific times, for what reason were they created and recited into my ear? What do they hold me back from?<br /><br />I've also been studying Ephesians 5:13-17 in which the key concept is light vs. darkness. I am reminded of how when light shines into a dark place revelation happens. Lewis' book of demonic insights is like a light. Sure some of the specifics are not in our individual lives but demons lack creativity and can't seem to come up with anything new. We all struggle and fight against <strong>spiritual pride or vanity</strong>. What about frustration with the church and becoming <strong>a connoisseur</strong> of differing methods and trends among the Church today? What of the <strong>mine mentality...</strong>the feeling of not just entitlment but that I am right, its "my God, my church, my Bible, my ministry, etc."<br /><br />So many more but ultimately it is all one ploy to twist the truth and get us off the path. We are told if we give into temptation (in whatever form) it will all stop. But really all that does is entangle us more.<br /><br />A wise man once told me that demons do not go on vaction. They are always at work and we are merely their playground. To have victory over them is to recognize the authority we have over them, by the blood of Christ (Philippians 3) and rebuke them. But dauntingly this will only send them packing for a day or two at most. They find another area to chip away at, to destroy or they just come back to the same weakness and attack like no tomorrow. Far too often I give in and listen to the lies or give up the fight because I'm just too weak and tell myself, "If I listen to the lie, it will stop." And maybe it does for a moment but it always comes back.<br /><br />But calling out to God. Asking him to fight...now that's a beautiful thing. For on our own we fail miserably but with the Lord Almighty we vanquish our foes in a most epic way.<br /><br />"There are angels round my bed tonight. Some are there for comfort, some are there to fight."<br />--Kevin MaxKJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01234734295555803314noreply@blogger.com0