Chaos of the Cognitive

Random iPod Experiment

2010-10-04T21:46:00.000-07:00

Hit shuffle and discovered this is why my iPod thinks of me:

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
We Dreamt in Heist

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Paperthin Hymn

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL
Inaudiable Melodies

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
To Wake and Avenge the Dead

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Toxic

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
Right Place Wrong Time

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Cold War Transmissions

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Fallen From the Sky

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Error Operator

IF YOU WERE CRAZY, YOU WOULD RUN AROUND SAYING...
Sweet Home Alabama

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Pencil Full of Lead

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Sleeping to Dream

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
New York Fairytale

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Lucky Denver

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Pump It

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Candy in the Sun

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Texas, Put Your Arms Around Me

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Umbrella

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Cheers, Darlin'

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

Because I Said So

2010-06-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

I laugh out loud every time I come to Leviticus 18 because I hear Grace saying "whores, lots of whores, whore city" when I read it.

Though Leviticus can be a rather tedious read at times I perhaps oddly enjoy it. Numerous times God says, "Be holy, because I am holy." Unlike the pagan gods of the day God created a standard in which his people could live, a standard that considered their physical, emotional and spiritual needs and in doing so set them apart from all other nations. God desires holiness and holiness comes about, in part, by obedience.

As I have struggled with finding a church, finding a safe place to use my gifts, I have humbly hit the wall of obedience. I know full well we as believers are to meet together. I understand theologically and rationally the meaning and importance of the church. And I accept that I was created with unique gifts that are to be used boldly. However my heart is jaded and, though much healing has happened, it is still broken and afraid.

I ran into a local pastor at the movie theater and was struck yet again by his genuine shepherd's heart so I decided to go back to his church. Upon my arrival I had a classic KJ moment that left the usher laughing and I'm sure praying I would get saved that morning. And in the midst of my proud and bad mood I heard only one thing that morning, "the woman was in the perfect place to meet Jesus... because she was broken." And as that penetrated the walls of my heart I decided that this must be the church for me.

Flash forward a few more weeks and I'm back to my Sunday morning funk. But it was different that day, after getting all ready and just about to walk out the door I changed my mind, the series was less than enticing and I had no desire to sit through another devotion on steroids. So I threw my purse down and went for another cup of coffee, but I had that heavy impression that God had other plans. And in a brief moment I knew I needed to put down the coffee and pick up my purse and go to church.

So I went, and I sat disengaged and bored, I tuned out and started reading through Leviticus. And I found the answer to my question why God would want me to settle for something I don't love. It was just as simple as what he told the Israelites "I am the Lord your God" which is pretty much the divine equivalent of "because I said so." And for now its enough of a reason for me to obey.

The Giving Tree

2010-05-29T16:30:00.000-07:00

A childhood favorite read by a new favorite.

Settle.

2010-04-02T17:38:00.000-07:00

Is there ever a time when settling is the best choice we can make?

Could I ever give in and actually choose to settle?

I met up with a friend the other night and the conversation found its way to my least favorite topic...church. I dread going to church these days, mainly because I haven't found my trifecta (Matt Chandler preaching, Mars Hill worship and the fellowship/authenticity of Capernwray). And as I shared with my friend how I'd decided on a church then back peddled essentially because of one sermon, I knew in my gut that he was going to challenge me on this. And I was not happy, yet God has a way of ordaining certain conversations and moments to speak wildly into your heart, I suppose this can occur while looking at a Bible verse in the middle of a crowded and loud pub.

"Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing..." Hebrews 10:25

I think a few other verses were thrown out but this is the one that stuck. I fully understand the implications of a lonely faith and I recognize God's desire for his people to share life together, yet hurt and fear keep me from obedience. But this is a tension I must start to wrestle. I've held on desperately to the hope that I will walk into a church and feel at peace but this hasn't happened and I'm starting to think it may never because I am searching for something that does not exist this side of Glory.

My friend told me I need to settle for a church.

To me that is weakness...that is a death. Settling has never been an acceptable word in my vocabulary. I strive to live abundantly avoiding mediocrity at all costs, anything of worth I refuse second best. So to hear someone seriously say that I need to settle made my core rise up and want to fight, to prove him wrong. But as I've been mulling over this today I've started to wonder if just maybe this is an opportunity to experience God's strength in a new way.

"...my power is made perfect in weakness..." 2 Corinthians 12:9

No one wants to admit they are weak and I am no exception. Choosing a church I do not hands down love scares me immensely. It makes me feel small and at risk. But am I robbing God of moving in a great way? Could it be that for me to settle is the greatest act of obedience I can offer in this season? The greatest sacrifice?

To be honest, I don't know what my decision will be. I don't want a "settled soul mate" church. But I feel the Spirit's leading and challenge. God has beckoned me to struggle this and I will. I will fight it and I know full well that I will lose but if I come out with a conviction it will not be in vain.

Jacked Up Creation

2010-03-31T09:59:00.000-07:00

(I wrote this a few years back and for some reason it has been on my mind to share again, so forgive me the repetition and enjoy...)

dawn
Lay down, lay down you filthy whore
Lay down, lay down you unwed mother
Lay down, lay down you hurting little girl
A grieving, angry heart you act out your
rebellion towards your Father. He took
your mentor, your friend, your mother
and left you with a preacher dad, too busy
for you. You conclude your Father does
not care so you run the other way.
Traces of the girl you once were still remain,
but your stubborn heart would rather
drown in pain. Through your teary eyes,
your world crashes again as you see a pink
line. He abandoned you again...again He’s left
you to your own devices. Again you conclude
He does not care. Lay down, lay down, you
hurting, scared, lost little girl.

dave
You abandoned your principles for
temporal freedom–neglecting the price tag.
Dawn was your escape from a faux union,
from a nagging, controlling woman called,
wife. The squeaky wipers, (they sound just
like her) wake you from your haunting
thoughts and bring you back to face the
truth. A devastated girl sits with a blank
expression staring out the window. Your
guilty conscience says its your fault,
condemns you a murderer. The rain stops
and the Son breaks through–you squint,
trying to look away–there should be no
Son today–not for you, an accomplice to
a premature death for an unwanted life.
You fight back tears and beg the Son to
leave. You abandon your principles again,
you choose to live in shadows,
forgetting the warmth of the Son.

diane
Tick tock, always watching the clock
Tick tock, wondering where’s he at
Haggard and unsure he stumbles through
the door only to be met with a barrage of
your belittling hisses. No sweet kisses on
his tear stained face, no look of concern or
love, or even respect. He doesn’t deserve it,
for you suspect this inadequate, incompetent,
unreliable, unfaithful man. You secretly pride
yourself on your strong will, and ability to
intimidate him with just a look. He shuffles
shamefully passed you and locks himself
in his den. You bring before your god
the injustices against you. You bring before
your god your unhappy home. You beg him
to fix your husband, whom you disgust.
Tick tock, you call the preacher with the
wayward daughter. Tick tock.

dan
Beloved or a failure–who are you?
A grieving widower who’s daughter has
run amuck. Who are you to mend your
flock, to speak in to the silence that
consumes the room and the tension that
destroys peace as the couple glares at one
another with cold eyes, crossed arms and
closed hearts. Your tired of this scene,
played out each day with differing faces and
calloused hearts, broken hearts, healing hearts,
different couples, same couch. Your tired of
trying to fix what no human can. You look
at today’s residents of the couch, you think
of your hurting little girl and your heart cries,
"O God! What have you done? Where have
you gone?" Each dawn you wrestle and fight
to comprehend the incomprehensible. A
grieving widower, the father to a stranger
who are you–a failure or beloved?

The bloodied Savior weeps for his
beloved. For how these children
profane their Father’s redeeming
love and deny the Spirit’s comfort.
The bloodied Savior weeps for his
beloved.

Good Will Hunting - "It's Not Your Fault"

2010-03-03T12:47:00.001-08:00

Beautiful scene where Will is allowed to engage in his hurt and to begin the healing, to set free the lies the he has believed and lived under for so long but first he has to choose to listen and trust the truth

With A Punch and A Kiss

2010-01-30T11:01:00.000-08:00

"And when he comes,
your Maker will greet
you with a punch and
a kiss."
--excerpt from "Laundry Room"

"I will not leave you alone. You are mine. I know each of My sheep by name. You belong to me. If you think I am finished with you, if you think I am a small god that you can keep at a safe distance, I will pounce upon you like a roaring lion, tear you to pieces, rip you to shreds, and break every bone in your body. Then I will mend you, cradle you in my arms, and kiss you tenderly."--Brennen Manning

There are times in our lives where all the love and all the encouragement falls on a fading heart, where the kind words and sincere prayers make no impression. There are times where what we need to hear is a harsh truth...spoken in love of course, but harsh and true nonetheless. There are times we have an unknown, unspoken craving for heart to be shocked back into life.

I am in one such season. Unhappily unchurched for almost three years. Feeling dry, distant and extremely jaded. I've known the toll its taken on my cognitive spirituality but have not cared...for that is merely head knowledge and doesn't cut to the core of who God created me to be. I met with an old teacher/pastor/friend last week and for the first time in three years heard what I needed to realize the depth of my depravity in this season.

He spoke to the woman he knew years ago;
the creative artist,
the passionate servant teacher,
the joyful follower and
the eager student.

He spoke to what he saw now,
an unchurched follower who is allowing my gifts to wither on the vine,
the deer panting for water because I am so far from the stream.

That was the punch.

This is the kiss...

I am running back to wide open arms:
"I still stand here waiting,with my eyes fixed on the road,and I fight back tears and I wonder,if you're ever coming home,don't you know son that I love you,and I don't care where you've been,yes and I'll be right here waiting,'til you come around the bend,and I run to you and hold you close,won't let go again,so please come home,please come home..." --Dustin Kensrue "Please Come Home"

I am not naive enough to think this will be a easy thing, that walking back into church with the intent to be involved and revived will be a cake walk. I know it will be hard, I know I will struggle to trust and to be known. But I know it is clearly time.

As such is the Lord's character he deals with his people in love and kindness yet overt persistence...over the years he has not once left my side, not when I stopped going to church, not when I stopped reading his Word, not when I started praying only when I needed it...no, he held me this whole time no matter the struggle I put up...but that is our pursing King...never leaves his child no matter our rebellious ways. His gentle nudging and now his strong push leave me bare and ready to walk with him, not merely carried by him.

It is truly humbling to know to what lengths the Lord will pursue, to what depths he will follow to protect, to what heights he will scale to love the proud and to what distances he will run to welcome the prodigal.

A New Grief

2009-12-30T17:58:00.000-08:00

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”--Washington Irving

I have come to realize over the years that, to me, crying is a sign of weakness. That it is an inability to solider on, to deal rationally with problems or at times just a silly response. Not that I have never cried but rarely in public and when I do I promptly berate myself for allowing such an emotional break. I've been one to silently pride myself on my lack of tearful emotion, to look at those who weep on a dime with distaste and to extract myself from "sticky" sad situations.

Death, however, draws me to a new place.

I have known people who've passed away, I have myself have been dangerously close before, and yet nothing prepared me for the unexpected grief when my longtime friend left this world. I found myself living in a zombie state wanting only to cry yet years of discipline left my cheeks dry. Like a pro I avoided any and all people, things and places that may churn up memories. I prayed diligently for his family, not really knowing what to pray for. I found my days distracted by movies, work, shopping and a healthy dose of Guinness. I found my nights to be sleepless and filled with memories I fought. These memories begged for airtime and begged for tears. Tears that I could not shed. Saline locked away in a formal and anatomical place that my heart was not allowed access.

There is a beautifully tragic scene in Australia where Nalah's mother drowns and he tells Mrs. Boss Lady, "We can't say her name anymore." I've been thinking of this recently of how most cultures and society have a way of grieving, a way that they are able to make sense of tremendous loss and to comfort one another. Be it tribal rituals, sitting Shiva or having a wake there is something wonderful about having a path on which to tearfully tread while you struggle to reconcile the heart and head around such loss. Have we become a society of stupid strength? Or is it just me?

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”--Washington Irving

Monday night I embraced the memories. I listened to the saved birthday voicemail. I recalled the bear hugs and fights and words of encouragement. I remembered the time at Winterflash where he frustrated me so much that I bit him. I remembered the time he toasted my career accomplishments and the times he pushed me to go further. I remembered the drive to and from Bellingham and telling him to just stop complaining and make something happen. I remember the time he gave me wine because my roommate didn't like alcohol is the apartment. I remembered the conversations around faith, theology and life in general. We last talked days before he passed away, I recalled our conversation and the plans we made.

I remembered Justin and I cried.

Muted Soul

2009-12-09T21:26:00.000-08:00

the volume is turned so low its practically silent but some noise escapes

sadly in order to mute the pain the joy must also be drowned in stillness

trying to get to the beauty is just too daunting...

the dragon gaurds that path and smoke curls from its nostrils,

daring me to enter just so flames can ravage my scared heart

fear, the great paralyzer

will I ever have the courage to see the son again

will i ever fight the flames and silence to pull back the night and embrace the glory

What if Starbucks Marketed Like a Church? A Parable.

2009-09-29T18:01:00.001-07:00

Thoughts?

Kid singing Britney Spears scared to death by his mom

2008-06-09T11:28:00.001-07:00

A pretty good laugh, watch the whole thing : )

We Have Not Know Thee As We Ought

2008-03-09T15:26:00.000-07:00

By Thomas Pollack

We have not known Thee as we ought,
Nor learned Thy wisdom, grace and power;
The things of earth have filled our thought,
And trifles of the passing hour.

Lord, give us light Thy truth to see,
And make us wise in knowing Thee.
We have not feared Thee as we ought,
Nor bowed beneath Thine awful eye,
Nor guarded deed and word and thought,
Remembering that God was nigh.

Lord, give us faith to know Thee near,
And grant the grace of holy fear.
We have not loved Thee as we ought,
Nor cared that we are loved by Thee;
Thy presence we have coldly sought,
And feebly longed Thy face to see.

Lord, give a pure and loving heart
To feel and know the love Thou art.
We have not served Thee as we ought,
Alas, the duties left undone,
The work with little fervor wrought,
The battles lost or scarcely won!

Lord, give the zeal, and give the might,
For Thee to toil, for Thee to fight.
When shall we know Thee as we ought,
And fear and love and serve aright?
When shall we, out of trial brought,
Be perfect in the land of light?

Lord, may we day by day prepare
To see Thy face and serve Thee there.

The Church's Pink Nails

2008-02-22T18:05:00.000-08:00

Somewhere between the "concert" worship and conversational mile wide sermon I had a shocking thought: "I think I hate the Church." I replayed in my mind the churches I have seen, of the Church during the great revivals, and went back in my mind to the Church before and after Luther's 95 Theses, all the way back to the first century Church and I thought to myself, "She pretty much sickens me."

Wrong thought for a good little God fearing, Jesus loving, Spirit led PK to have, let alone for her to share with anyone who reads this... but indulge me a few minutes of your time and I hope I can explain to you what I am beginning to learn about the Church.

Throughout church history I might venture to say the biggest problem has been that of a monumental collision between Truth and Relevance. The Truth is vital. It is foundational to our churches. Without Truth we would be nothing more than a cult. All to often it is unpopular and uncomfortable but it is always glorious, and its weight is well worth it. Relevance is not bad. In fact it is true that we should always be changing the method of the message and not the other way around. Its not to be the other way around because then the quest to cultural or moral relevance runs the great risk of dampening the light of the Truth.

Since the start of the Church the maddening balancing act of the message and the method has revealed some of her unique beauty marks and at other times created a wart. She is fallen, She is broken, She is flawed, and yes, sometimes She is downright ugly.

But she is BEAUTIFUL. Its a beauty I can't describe. A beauty I can't understand. A beauty that draws me in. A beauty I can't walk away from.

Each Sunday I am drawn back, I crave to see a glimpse of her deep beauty. I hunger for it. But what is the great Beauty? That is what I can't put my finger on. Its the "Mona Lisa smile" of the Christian faith...what is behind that front? Is is it the Father's free gift, the sacrificial love of the Son, the presence of the Spirit? Is it the fellowship that grows out of believers coming together in His name?

She is complex and crazy, privy to scandal, involved in politics, She is used and abused, battered and broken. But she somehow keeps nourishing us, supporting us. We need her. She is like Lisa in Girl, Interrupted. You watch her fall apart and take others with her, you watch as she destroys lives and causes great pain. But by the end of the movie you are fighting for her to be the woman she is inside, the woman buried under the many hurts. You fight for her to overcome her labels and to be Lisa.

Its a beautiful scene at the end, Lisa is lying in restraints at the hospital, Susanna comes in to say goodbye. She pulls out some pink nail polish. As they oddly, tensely say goodbye Susanna paints Lisa's nails. Something is that act reminds her of her beauty, reminds her that she is a woman. Something that causes her to hope.

The Church is the bride of Christ. Sadly she may never fully look the part but if you look throughout her expansive history she has, at least, always had pink nails. Do you see it?

Invisible Bibles in the Invisible Pews

2008-02-09T10:56:00.001-08:00

What is a church without the phyiscal Word?

Sadly on my great church hunt I have been to more churches where the Bible is removed from the people. Where I sit with my Bible open and my blue scribbled notes covering the pages and I sit there and feel embarassed...feel out of place. All because I brought my Bible, and heavens no! I took it out when the pastor started preaching. This should not be!!!

I know there are a lot of churches out there who do still expect their congregation to bring their Bibles to church, who expect them to be read throughout the week and not collect dust. Most of the churches I've been going to are newer, emerging and very trendy. The passage is plastered onto big screens alongside the notes everyone should take. The teaching rarely moves from one passage in a book to another. Essentially there is no need for the Bible anymore.

In an attempt to draw more people in, to make them feel more comfortable God's infalliable Word, a fundamental backbone to our faith, is getting pushed aside, covered up. And this is a great tragedy. How do all these new believers, new attenders, old believers, anyone...how does anyone know what they are really being taught? Is the pastor preaching heresies? At one church I visited he most certainly was. Is the pastor misintrepting a key passage? At one church he was.

And worse than not allowing the congregation to follow in the way of the Bereans, it does nothing to inspire or convict one to read their Bible throughout the week. If the example is not set, the bar not raised why bother? No one will ask, there's no need to.

We, the American Church, are very priveleged. We are not the underground Church in China. Every believer in America can have multiple Bibles, and probably do! The Church in China maybe has one per church. It sickens me to see the path so many churches are starting to walk down.

There is a place for all of the churches within the Global church in Revelation 2 and 3. Sadly I condsider some of these new emerging churches, though they grow at alarming speed, have great programs, integrate art into worship, reach out to their surrounding community, yet they do no place a high enough importance on the Word...I consider them to be like the Ephsian church, forsaking their first love, or like the Laodicean church, becoming lukewarm just waiting to be spit out.

Psalm 119.

The Longest Longing

2008-01-03T10:35:00.000-08:00

We are convinced that a rightly lived life must give us serenity, completion and fulfillment. Comfort means "right" and distress means "wrong". The influence of such convictions is stifling to the human spirit. Individually and collectively, we must somehow recover the truth. The truth is, we were never meant to be completely satisfied.
--Gerald May

I'm finally starting to believe this truth...that I will always be longing. Because we are bound by our flesh and redeemed by the Lamb, pursuing comfort is nothing more than a chasing after the wind.

But comfort, as my human nature defines it, is so enticing. Comfort as the defined by the Lord troubles me...you never what may come, be it seasons of loneliness, of persecution, of abundance, of sorrow or joy, comfort for the child of God is very different. It is volatile and fragile, unexpected and uncontollable.

Perhaps we shouldn't even use the word comfort.

Perhaps sovereign sufficiency is a better explanation of how we ought to live. That we live trusting and believing, clinging to the promise and knowledge that the Lord has mapped out our life, laid down his foundations for us to stand and live upon. And that as creator of our needs, he will provide for those exact needs, and sometimes we will be unhappy and engulfed in distress. At other times our joy and peace will be evident to all.

However, no matter where we feel we are, we must never forget he will never satisfy so much that we no longer hope for Glory. That deeply embedded distress within every soul...that is the longest longing from which there is no deliverance until the Lamb returns as the Lion.

Lessons in Reckless Dancing

2007-12-16T17:05:00.000-08:00

So I visited a church a few weeks back and heard a message that has pretty much haunted me. It lurks in the recesses of my mind throughout the day and at night as I fall asleep it glides to the front of my mind, sweeping all other thoughts away as if they are mere bits of dust on a shelf. To engage in it is to admit flaw, to face inadequacy and acknowledge my human heart.

It was sermon on David. And I’ve yet to dance as David danced so I love messages on David, hoping to take away something from his life and faith to help me dance a little more…liberated : ) But it wasn’t a message on how he praised, or on how he trusted God and killed Goliath, or how he wrote such wonderful psalms. The text for the morning was 1 Samuel 11. David and Bathsheba. I fought tuning out, thinking it would be something I’d heard before but I focused in and was quite surprised.

Pastor Josh Hebert raised the question how did David even get to the place where as king, he watched his men go off to war, where as king he stood on his rooftop and indulged his fantasy. How did David, the man we esteem for great and intimate faith, reach this place of comfort? How did a man who had everything, who had lived so well, seen so much, experienced it all, how did he reach this point?

Josh’s answer is what haunts me…it was thanklessness. Had David reached a place where in spite of everything he had, in spite of the blessings the Lord had given, in spite of it all he was unthankful?

It makes sense. I must admit, when I am unthankful the ugly side of my humanness comes tumbling out…the envy, the greed, the coveting, the lust, the anger, the biting tongue, no matter the object of my unthankful attitude and heart, it all spills out and over simply because I cannot see the many great gifts I have in my hand. I refuse to let myself be satisfied with Christ alone.

So I find myself haunted by a message on the dangers of not being thankful and being pursued by job and monetary struggles. And I can’t help but think they go hand in hand. I have to remind myself each day as I wake and as I drift to sleep, be thankful for the provisions. Be thankful for the big love of a great God. Be thankful, just be thankful.

And dance. Dance with a recklessness to rival David…well, at least try to : )

Philippians 4:19,20

2007-10-09T10:36:00.001-07:00

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus. To our God and Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen. --Philippians 4:19, 20

Praise the Lord we can cling to this promise. And not just for our material needs but our heartfelt needs our soul needs. Our God is so good.

Undiluted

2007-09-15T01:45:00.000-07:00

I want to follow Christ with an undiluted faith.

I fear I fail miserably at this ambition. There is always something wooing me away from my Creator and jealous lover...dreams. Dreams of the desired life, dreams of love, dreams of success, dreams of what is not meant to be. But I let these dreams crowd my heart and seep into my everyday faith...diluting it just a wee bit. But this is where the beauty of grace overwhlems.

When my selfish dreams shatter, when they hit the ground of reality with such force that there are peices I will never see again, somehow I am still found worthy, still recieved with unbearable joy and pursued with such passion and violence. This is something far too wonderful for me to understand fully. Something so beautiful it leaves me speechless.

It is in thse times my King reminds me of the dreams he's written for me, dreams I fear to believe for the greatness and sheer beauty of them. Dreams that haunt me in a way that I cannot even explain. Dreams I do not share with others but hold in my heart, trying to believe.

I want an undiluted faith...I want to believe Jeremiah 29:11 in a way I have not before.

The Blue Dream

2007-07-30T23:20:00.001-07:00

Hold loosely...

...to this life.
...to these dreams.
...to these fears.
...to these hopes.
...to the future.

Hold them loosely my love for I am passionately for you and boldly leading you. Loosen your grip on what is fleeting and trust. Hold tightly only to my Word and I will hold tightly to you as I take you into the unknown, but first you must loosen your grip...

I've been having this dream for a while where I'm walking down a dark hallway, I'm moving fast and with purpose, headed for the door at the end. There's a blue light coming through the cracks and I press on down this long hallway. I pass all these other doors on my way, I don't ever see them but I know they are there. I reach the door and confidently, naturally turn the knob to open the door but it won't turn. I stop and try again. And again. I start shaking the door and pulling, kicking it and shouting at it and getting more and more frustrated and angry by the moment. This feels like it goes on for hours, I'm sweaty and exhausted and mad at the door, mad at the hallway and I slump to the floor and kick it one last time. Nothing. Just the most beautiful blue light coming through the cracks, taunting me with something I can't get too. I've been aware of all the other doors but hadn't taken notice, for some reason I look to the right and there is a door wide open, there's a haze inside and blue light too, its a different blue though. It draws my attention every time. For the longest time I would just stare at it until I woke up. Then I started to move towards it. And for the last year I've just stood in front of it, glancing back at the locked door and looking into the open one, the door I don't want, the door I don't know where it leads to. So I've been standing on the threshold in blatant defiance and never crossing it.

I had the dream again a couple of weeks ago and was thinking about it again recently, what it means, what is it a picture of, is the locked door full time ministry or is that the open door? Or are they both? What did I have for dinner that night? Am I going crazy or is the Lord actually trying to speak to me through my dreams again?

And then while I was driving home today, randomly thought of the dream and then the Lord said, hold loosely...

Father's Day

2007-06-16T13:54:00.000-07:00

Just a few reasons why I love my dad:

*He killed all the monsters from under my bed, in my closet, behind my door with "Monster-be-Gone" when I was little
*He's treated me to a Saturday Subway lunch and chat for over 10 years
*He taught me to think deeply and not just take what people say or preach without reflecting on it
*He taught me that being the voice of discernment isn't always easy, doesn't always make friends like you'd wish but its so valuable
*He showed me what true humility and integrity looks like
*He's helped me out of more than a few financial pickles :)
*He taught me to love books (my mom helped with this too)
*He bought me Cheery Bear after a traumatic bathroom experience at the Grand Canyon
*He bought me my authentic Pooh bear in London when I was ready to go to Capernwray and feeling a little nervous
*He helped pay for me to go to Capernwray (again, my mama helped with this too)
*He's always supported me
*He's let me use his airline miles more than a few times to see my lovely sister
*He gave me all his loose change when I was little and the tag along on SMT trips
*He's had a lot of patience with when I've been a snotty daughter :)
*He's just the best!!!

Happy father's day Daddy!!!

Love,
Squidet

Awake

2007-06-14T09:07:00.000-07:00

I'm in a place I never wanted to be. But a place we all end up for a season or two.

Spiritually, I'm laying in a big, comfy bed with a nice down comforter pulled over me and every time the Spirit nudges me to get up, I roll over and cover my face. I don't want to get up. I'm comfortable. I don't want to get up and be cold and not know what lies ahead. In my bed I know what lies ahead is more sleep. But just as you reach a point physically where you just cannot sleep anymore and you toss and turn until you finally throw off the covers and grumpily get out of bed, Spiritually our soul reaches this point too.

I'm tossing and turning. I know I am comfortable, I know I am fighting the daylight and the Spirit's wake-up call. I know I keep hitting the snooze button. But there is no snooze button today. Today I roll over and I see a very exhausted and hurt looking Jesus slumped against the wall just watching me. An unspoken look is traded where I know just how much my selfish desire to be comfortable has pushed him away, has been like punch in the face to him, and he knows just how ashamed and discouraged I feel right now for letting myself get so comfortable.

I'm awake now, I'm sitting up in bed and Jesus is standing in front of me waiting. Waiting to see what I'm going to do. Am I going to throw off the covers and run into his arms, find real comfort there in the midst of a chaotic world or will I lay back down and pull the covers over my head?

I know what I want to do. I know what I need to do. O Lord have mercy on this weak soul as I wake.

He Who Sees the Heart is to be Trusted, Not Fought

2007-04-19T09:39:00.000-07:00

I am so glad God looks at the heart, bypassing all our efforts and actions and words. I am too harsh a judge.

I've been thinking about this recently, how I have a nasty habit I desire so much to break: I see only the appearance and don't strive to see the heart God sees.

God convicted me of this in a certain situation where, for the life of me I could not understand why he would allow an individual a role of leadership. In my mind's eye he was highly unqualified for the job, not experienced enough, on the arrogant side of the spectrum and it upset me. I thought to myself "God couldn't be in this, He couldn't bless this." And I treated this individual with contempt in my heart, because well, I thought I was justified in doing so.

Enter Samuel and David. For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart. (I Samuel 16:7)

Yes, I know its a Sunday school lesson I learned a long time ago in a place called, "Innocent Sponge" (where you soak up every little bible story and moral lesson but like a sponge it dries out and you have to learn it again). But isn't so much of the Christian life learning over and over and over? Are we not wandering Israelites much of the time, forgetting and doubting and stumbling over our own pride?

So as I was quite convicted and humbled as I read through the story again. As I read each line the Spirit spoke to me, "It is Our ministry and We alone choose." Who knew that after 13 verses I could feel so small and so utterly rebuked. I just sat there for a quite some time, trying to wrap my brain around what had just happened. And then finally repenting of my judging heart. As always the forgiveness that follows is sweet and sacred. So undeserving am I yet so blessed by this eternally merciful and graceful and patient God.

God commands us to trust him. And this command is still true when it comes to who He appoints as leaders...we need to trust he knows what is best for the appointed leader, the flock under him, the larger church, and so on and so on. And then we are to submit to the appointed leader as appropriate as an act of obedience to the Lord and acting on faith that God has placed them in a position of leadership in our/my life for a specific reason.

Trust, the great underlying issue, do we trust God enough to faithfully follow the ones he has appointed?

My Sister

2007-04-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

She's an amazing woman and I love her.

Temptation

2007-03-14T09:17:00.000-07:00

This last week in my hermeneutics class we studied the passage in Luke where Jesus is tempted by the devil at the outset of his ministry. That passage is rich with insights and truth but one thing stood out to me more than anything else.

Twice in Hebrews (2:18 and 4:15) it says that Jesus was tempted as we are, therefore he can aid us because he understands the temptation. I sometimes wonder how this can be. Did Jesus ever really undergo all the temptations that we do? But he did. Perhaps not in every specific situation (was he ever tempted to clock in early at work?) but I think what the temptation appeals to is what he understands--pride, desire, self-preservation, greed, and so on.

I understand that principle but I tend to struggle with finding it in the Bible. I am one of those who, sadly, all too often forgets that Jesus lived beyond what we see in the Bible. Not all of his life is recorded in our four gospels. There was so much more to his life we know absolutely nothing about (John 21:25). Which leads me to Luke 4.

So it says that Jesus was led into the desert and tempted for 40 days. At the end of which he was tempted three more times. My question is what happened in those 40 days? Luke says he was tempted for 40 days. That is not an empty phrase. It got me thinking that maybe, just maybe it was in those days that the Lord was tempted in all the ways we are. We have no clue what happened between Jesus and the Devil in those days but just think, what if in that time he was tempted to give into his greed? If he was tempted by desire? Just because its not in ink doesn't mean nothing happened. And even if in those 40 days he wasn't tempted in all the ways we are, this insight (?) got me thinking. Who's to say he wasn't tempted elsewhere as we were. So much of his life is a mystery to us.

I guess its not too much of a life altering thought but it just reminded me to think of Jesus beyond the pages of our Bible, he was a man who lived and laughed and cried and was tempted. He really was like us, just a little more complex and completely perfect :)

Demonic Insights

2007-03-07T07:51:00.000-08:00

I've been reading C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters this week. Its always so eye-opening and insightful and makes me take a step back and look at things in my life... last night as I put the book down I started to wonder what my "demonic handbook" might look like.

What vices of mine are rooted in evil?

What is behind my constant lack of sleep and exhaustion?

The lies I hear come at specific times, for what reason were they created and recited into my ear? What do they hold me back from?

I've also been studying Ephesians 5:13-17 in which the key concept is light vs. darkness. I am reminded of how when light shines into a dark place revelation happens. Lewis' book of demonic insights is like a light. Sure some of the specifics are not in our individual lives but demons lack creativity and can't seem to come up with anything new. We all struggle and fight against spiritual pride or vanity. What about frustration with the church and becoming a connoisseur of differing methods and trends among the Church today? What of the mine mentality...the feeling of not just entitlment but that I am right, its "my God, my church, my Bible, my ministry, etc."

So many more but ultimately it is all one ploy to twist the truth and get us off the path. We are told if we give into temptation (in whatever form) it will all stop. But really all that does is entangle us more.

A wise man once told me that demons do not go on vaction. They are always at work and we are merely their playground. To have victory over them is to recognize the authority we have over them, by the blood of Christ (Philippians 3) and rebuke them. But dauntingly this will only send them packing for a day or two at most. They find another area to chip away at, to destroy or they just come back to the same weakness and attack like no tomorrow. Far too often I give in and listen to the lies or give up the fight because I'm just too weak and tell myself, "If I listen to the lie, it will stop." And maybe it does for a moment but it always comes back.

But calling out to God. Asking him to fight...now that's a beautiful thing. For on our own we fail miserably but with the Lord Almighty we vanquish our foes in a most epic way.

"There are angels round my bed tonight. Some are there for comfort, some are there to fight."
--Kevin Max

Confronting Evil

2007-02-19T11:48:00.000-08:00

I forget too often how horrible Satan is, how cruel and heartless. I don't think there is a punishment harsh enough for him.

This last weekend I was at 8th grade retreat with our youth group. We split the girls and guys up to talk with them about what is it to be a man and a woman of God. One activity we did with the girls was have them identify the lies, shame and fears they have, defined as such:

Lies--anything that is opposed to what God has to say about me.
Shame--my demonic identity, the lies I believe.
Fear--anything that makes me take even half a step back from being the woman God created me to be.

After they had done this we broke into groups to share. Hearing the horribly false accusations these girls have been hearing over and over again in their hearts broke mine and filled me such a rage I have not felt before. The only object of my rage was the devil himself. The lies and shame the girls shared had no truth to them, not even one ounce...there was no twisting or distorting of the truth...it was all hallow and false. To hear the lies they have believed broke my heart even more, to hear the pain in their voices as they shared...to see such innocent beautiful young girls tortured by such evil was too much.

After our meeting time I spent a good deal journaling and came to the conclusion that not even eternal separation from God and eternal death in a lake of fire is harsh enough... I find myself wondering if Satan will truly get what deserves in the end. Is it possible for the greatest evil to suffer the greatest pain? I can't wrap my mind around it. But my anger at him for his treatment of my dear sisters doesn't care, my anger just says he's a punk to no end and should suffer the greatest of evils.

And I think the worst thing of it all is that the lies don't stop. Though we put God's truth to each lie and read so many verses to combat them, the lies will continue. If there is one thing I know its that the devil and his minions never go on vacation. The lies will come again repackaged perhaps but just as lethal. And the shame will come again and fears will still be there. How hard it is! How my heart breaks to see these girls struggle against so much!!!

But I hear them too. Yet I don't have the same reaction. When I hear them, I accept them. I don't revolt at the disgusting garbage thrown at me. Why is it so easy to fight for others and not yourself? Why do we accept such trash in our own lives but eagerly and with great joy take out the garbage in another's? I guess that's just how deeply rooted the lies are, we hear them, we accept them and believe that we cannot overcome them.

Truly he is evil and heinous beyond anything we can comprehend.

Finished

2007-02-13T19:02:00.000-08:00

So 14 days have gone by.

No wonderfully deep insights to share.

I got a lot of rest.

I'm excited to go back to work tomorrow and see my co-workers and customers.

I'm not sure I'll ever know the reason.

14 Days

2007-02-02T10:11:00.000-08:00

Thanks to an eventful Tuesday night in which I was involved in a hit and run accident (not my fault thank you) from which I have severe whiplash and a very painful back, I am off work for two weeks. 14 days that had already been planned out, scheduled into my daytimer. Now those 14 days are blank.

I feel guilty not being at work. But its not my fault. I didn't ask to get rear-ended at 35 mph and get out of work. But it happened. As a Christian I understand that this was allowed by God. For what purpose? Ah, now that's where my vision gets blurred. I don't know. I find myself this morning asking God, "What do you want with me in these next 14 days?" I don't doubt for one moment that God has a plan in this for his will in my life.

Perhaps he wants me to rest.

Perhaps something else will happen in the next two weeks for which I needed to be out of work.

Perhaps he's saving me from that which is Starbucks drama.

Perhaps I'll never get an answer.

One thing I do know for certain, though we use the word "accident" I know it was not. God has his invisible hand in this and he has purpose. I need to trust and listen for his voice. And that makes me excited for the next two weeks, even though I still feel guilty about not working (workaholics usually do) I know that this will probably be an amazing time off.

How do we push the envelop?

2007-01-06T15:08:00.000-08:00

"If Christians don't continue to share the gospel and push the envelop, the envelop will close in on us. If we maintain a 'silent witness' there will be no witness, and Christianity will die in America." --Ray Thorne

As I've stepped back into youth ministry and have begun to pursue my call I've thought about this. I stumbled accross it a couple days ago and remember when I first found it. I thought it was good and it made me think. It went in my book of quotes. And now I find it again and it makes me think as I begin to develop a dream for my ministry.

I want to work with young girls. That is a no brainer. I've known that since I was 14. But I also want to reach this world. So many are dead men walking, some have heard the truth and rejected but the most frightening thing is that some have not even heard. I have had conversations with friends recentely that opened my eyes to this fact: it is possible today for a person to grow up in America and never hear one drop of Truth.

Faced with this I ask two questions:

1. How do I push the envelop?
2. How do I teach my girls to push the envelop?

Now I'm not going to become so extremist or bonafide nutjob but I wonder, how is this acomplished. What does pushing the envelop look like? Is it having a Christian sponsered beergarden at bumpershoot? Is it befriending a bum and taking church to him? Is it, heaven forbid, finding truth in an R rated movie and using that as a catalyst to talk theology with non-believers? Is it being genuine friends with homosexuals and loving them as Christ does? Or perhaps, and maybe the scariest and hardest: is it just being real?

Not fake Christian real but real real. The kind that King David was. He was real enough to argue with God. Real enough to dance naked before the people in praise of God. Real enough to admit when he was wrong. Real enough to weep and lament to the Lord. Real enough to fight for what was right and true. Real enough to love the Lord and obey.

Perhaps a heavy dose of reality is what the church in America really needs. Not more programs and theme and trend churches but just honest, open, true faced, vulnerable individuals. Because I think a dead man walking would rather talk to someone who's honest about themselves, their life and their God than to someone who descends from their hilltop castle in forgein garments trying to relate.

Frustrating Stats

2006-12-31T18:56:00.000-08:00

29% of seminary graduates do not go into full time ministry.

79% well trained seminary graduates walk away from ministry.

(I'll go out on a limb and say that 15% of those should walk away, due to insincere hearts or misguided callings or just bad theology they're actually doing a service to the church.)

I must admit I am astonished and upset by these statistics. I know ministry is hard, I've grown up around it. I've been in it. I've been out of it. Life is what is hard. Not ministry itself. Its just a different kind of hard. Its a kind of hard where in full time ministry there is great accountability before the Lord, there is great warfare daily, there are unexpected sacrifices to be made. But that's part of the job. Its part of what one signs up for.

I've got a sneaking supsicion that too often the glories of ministry are paraded around on seminary and bible colleges and not as much the stories of longsuffering ministry or sacrifices that didn't work out for the better as hoped. The years it takes to effect change, discipleship and growth. I wonder if Professors spoke openly about the struggles and hardships of the ministry and students actually got their hands dirty would the numbers turn around? What if they taught to cultivating a heart for ministry as well as having a head for ministry? What good is knowing the Greek meaning and intrepretation of text if you don't know the people you are teaching too?

A part of me is sad. I'm sure some of those 71% are doe eyed, idealistic Christians who think its all alter calls and sitting at a big desk reading the Bible all day and occasional counseling sessions (which of course must work like an episode of Full House where a happy ending comes after 30 minutes). I'm sad because the weight of reality for them probably crushed them. But that's an aspect of full time ministry...learning the reality of it and relying on God so that you are not crushed. With confidence I'd venture to say that if you were to ask any pastor they'd tell you it is not what they expected, it is hard, but in spite of it all it's worth it. Just like any job.

But I am so thankful for the 29% and as I sat in service today I heard God whispering to me, "You obey me. You were not created to be in the 71%." And so I suppose its time for me to stop running and to turn around, to walk with confidence in Christ right back into ministry. To keep plugging along and following the path God has for me. After all I suppose he does know what's best.

Why Celebrate Christmas?

2006-12-04T17:57:00.000-08:00

Why do we celebrate Christmas? Seriously, what is the reason behind it. Its not something the Lord ordained for us to celebrate, its not a command, it was not celebrated in the first century. In fact if you look at church history it wasn't celebrated until the fourth century and it was celebrated on the the 25th of December because of the existing pagan holiday. And over the years it has become commericalized and scandalized. The true meaning behind it lost and forgotten, swept away with the excess wrapping paper and bows and pine needles fallen from the brightly light trees.

And far to often we stop our celebration at the nativity scene. We celebrate Christ's birth yes, but do why do we celebrate? Becuase this baby was born to die for us...for you, for me. This cute, cuddly, plump, cooing, drooling baby was born with a death sentence because of my sin nature. Had he not died thirty years later we would have no reason to celebrate, he would've just been another baby. Think about it we don't celebrate Martin Luther King Jr just because he was born, no we celebrate because of the life he lived. We celebrate our presidents for what they've done, not simply because they were born. Likewise, we celebrate Christ's birthday becasue of what he did.

I'm not knocking Christmas, please hear that. I love Christmas, I consider myself to be a Christmas dork of sorts (I wear reindeer antlers at work on Fridays) and I enjoy the fact that all over the world the birth of our savior is being celebrated by all, sure some don't quite get it but they're celebrating him.

I am saying that as I've gotten older Christmas has changed for me. I can no longer look at it as just a time for family and presents and another excuse for stuffing, there is something far deeper. And deeper too than just a baby. It is the life that baby would live and then the death he would suffer...all for me. This, for me, puts Christmas in a whole new light, the way I celebrate this year will be different, my heart will be different. In my heart right now I consider that without Easter there would be no Christmas and without Christmas there would be no Easter...John 3:16 takes on a new shape in this light...

Check out the Relient K song, "i celebrate the day" which sparked these ponderings...

In Light of Eternity

2006-11-29T11:38:00.000-08:00

"I didn't write this book so I could tell you about something really great that awaits you thrity, forty, fifty years down the road, or however long you have left on earth. I wanted to write this book so I could share with you the greatest experience I've ever had, an experience so much better, and so far beyond anything that has ever happened to me, that I can still can't believe I'm living it. Yes I look forward to going to Heaven someday. To see Jesus face to face after loving him from afar for so long is going to be awesome. But let me tell you, beacause of the experience I am having with God right now, in a very real sense, my heaven is now. And I'm not alone." --Stephen Baldwin, The Unusual Suspect

I am enjoying Baldwin's book, its honest and raw and real. Its not necessarily a book that will change my life but it will change someone's. And he has been there, done that...all that. And to hear him say God is the only thing that brings him peace and joy, that's beautiful. His chapter on Heaven is quite good--he challenges us to live in light of eternity. To not live like eternity begins when we die, but it began when we accepted Christ. He placed heaven in our hearts. Already and not yet.

Our soul is eternal, our bodies are not. We have to wait for heaven for them to be glorified and redeemed. Likewise, the Kingdom of God is eternal, it is in our hearts, our souls, yet it is not in earth. This world waits and groans for it, it waits to be glorified--it awaits the coming Kingdom of God. Yet for us believers who have eternity in our hearts we know we can live like it is here, we can live it out. Already and not yet. Eternity is here in our hearts and we can live radically different in light of that knowledge, yet this world is decaying and so we cannot fully experience heaven. But if you have eternity in your hearts, live it.

Mother Teresa's Example

2006-10-29T09:13:00.000-08:00

"The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis, but rather the feeling of being unwanted, uncared for and deserted by everybody. The greatest evil is the lack of love and charity, the terrible indifference towards one's neighbot who lives a the roadside assaulted by exploitation, corruption, poverty and disease." --Mother Teresa.

I was reading a book on counseling for class and read this quote. It stirred something in my soul. Last night at Crossroad's Saturday night church they showed a three minute video for Operation Christmas Child. I sat there and watched it stirred something in my soul as well. For me, its not enough to send a shoebox with toys, its not enough to send money. I want to go. I don't like social injustice.

It reminded me of the invisible children in Uganda. I still want to go to them and to love them. To sit with them and listen, to learn from them and to hopefully meet a need. I couldn't put a finger on what that need was until I read the former quote. I want to show them I care. Not for my personal satisfaction or pride but because its what some of them need more than school, more than clothes, they need to be loved unconditionally. I think of Grace and all that she suffered and went through and how those emotional scars will be with her all her life and love is weapon against those memories and pains.

I may never get to Uganda. That's ok. I know others are going. It shouldn't stop me from living in such a manner here in America, in my little corner of the world. But all to often it does. I don't want it to anymore.

Letters

2006-09-30T16:04:00.000-07:00

Not much in Mark Driscoll's sermon last week really stuck out at me, save one comment. Letters. Paul wrote to the Corinthians with his own hand. He sent them the letter. Mark started talking about how great it is to recieve a letter. And he went off on some story that I don't remember because I was off in my world.

Capernwrayers do you remember the mad dash to the mailboxes? The pure joy that came from finding something in your box. And the utter disappointment that came from seeing an empty box? I have all my letters from Capernwray. All of them. They are cherished memories.

I thought about that. And I thought about how I don't dash to the mailbox with the same excitment. Usually all it holds are more wedding invitations and bills. No personal letters.

What is the big deal with letters. Why do they make us feel so good? Perhaps its simply because when you recieve a letter you know that person was thinking of you, they care about you. They the took the time to actually sit down and write you a letter. Not just send a quick text while sitting in traffic. They took time to buy a stamp and walk to the mailbox to send it. Not just hit a cut little button on the left side of the screen. They revealed some of themselves that they couldn't in an e-mail, like the fact that they can't spell or they have horrible penmanship. A letter, I've concluded is in fact a beautiful thing and lost.

I want to find it again. Not just in my life, I'd love for ya'll to find it also. So, if you allow me to be so bold, I challenge you to write a letter a week with me. Let the Spirit burden you each week for who you should write to, but find again this lost art. And who knows maybe you'll find yourself dashing to the mailbox :)

Desert, or Just a Change of Scenery?

2006-09-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

Every one seems to be telling me I'm in a desert place. I burned out in jr. high ministry so I'm taking a season off and all I seem to hear from everyone is: this is a desert time. But I don't think it is. I don't feel distant from God, rather I feel he's chilling right next me and I'm enjoying peace with him. Though I'd been hearing everyone's commentaries on my spiritual I picked of St. John of the Cross' "The Dark Night of the Soul". Which is a great book and I enjoy it greatly but this time round it just didn't hit me, convict me, or encourage me as it did before. I started listening to an excellent sermon series on lonliness (www.thevillagechurch.net "only the lonely" Paul Matthies) and though I've been learning a lot and I've ejoyed the teaching, there's a part of me that says this isn't entirely where I'm at though.

I don't feel distant from God. I don't feel lonely. I feel quiet. I'm waiting. And learning to do so patiently.

God has one Plan A for all of our lives and in that Plan A there must be times of waiting. Waiting and quietness (or stillness) does not always denote a desert place. I think we too quickly slap the "desert time" tag on our soul when we are not vibrantly on fire for God, with tangible expressions of our faith. Its easier to stomach then just resting in the Lord. Because when in the desert there are things we can do to get out, there are endless lists of advice on how to walk out of these times, or find the oasis and the life. Its easier in the desert to fix ourselves then to rely on God. However I find I am quite enjoying the waiting time. Its a time of peace and quietness. My ministry has not been diminished or put on pause...its just quieter. I'm enjoying chilling with Jesus and getting to know him more...through prayer, quiet time and reading. Its great.

You that point in a relationship where you don't always have to talk when with that person...how that's a sign of something good, that you can sit in silence (not out of anger) and not feel awkward, like you need to say something. I feel like that with God. Its not a desert, its just a time of waiting an stillness...no awkwardness, no striving, just being. And I know it won't last forever so I know I should cherish this moment for what it is.

I don't know what lies ahead of me, what God is having me wait on but you know I'm totally content. I know God is good and that he makes us wait sometimes, which doesn't mean our life is put on hold, it justs means we wait, and life might look different, might look to others like the desert but there is life.

I went to Mt. St. Helens yesterday and I think the secenery there describes this best. The drive up is beautiful, lots of good 'ol Washington green and great landscapes, you get great peeks at the monstrous mountain, snow capped and hiding under some clouds. Its just beautiful. Then you reach the top and it looks like a desert. Its dry and very little grows but if you look you see growth, you see life. The lava dome is growing at a rate of six feet a day. There are shurbs growing back and flowers, beautiful purple, yellow and white wildflowers. There is life, but it looks different and looks like a desert, though it is no way a desert.

To Write Love On Her Arms

2006-09-11T17:27:00.000-07:00

www.twloha.com. Go there. Check it out. The story behind it is difficult to read but eye-opening for some perhaps.

I am so thankful for this new non-profit. One guy was confronted with the brokeness and pain of a hurting girl, a product of the fall, and instead of shrugging away in fear, disgust or ignorance he responded with love and is still responding with love. Not just for her but for so many others. Renee, the girl who inspired it, was a druggie and a cutter, and he and his friends reached out to her and are now reaching out to help others. I love this and I am so thankful for it. As one who has struggled with cutting I am overjoyed that someone is bringing out into the open and creating a place of help for those struggling, resources, and more than that a heart to love them. And to boot, the guy behind it isn't a cutter, he isn't depressed, he isn't sucidal, he's acting like Jesus, loving and doing something.

It seems all to often in secular and Christian circles cutting exsists, you know someone (whether you are aware or not) who is a cutter. Its common but silent. Its so hard to understand why someone would inflict such pain on themselves, sometimes I don't even understand it and I've been there and sometimes still have the impulse to go there again. There are psychological and physical reasons, personal stories of why and how but really the reason is spiritual. And so the best I can offer is that we see most clearly in this the great depravity of mankind. We see it in so many other arenas of life as well. And in all of these, it doesn't make sense. Our mind can't comphrend it. But our sinful nature lashes out regardless.

Please check out this new organization and do what you can to support it, check out the links, educate yourself. You never know when you will come accross someone who struggles in this area. And whatever you do, please don't recoil in disgust or confusion...love the person.

Weep

2006-08-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

Psalm 119:136 Streams of tears flow from my eyes, for your law is not obeyed.

A few weeks ago I was sharing with some jr. high students why I love Psalm 119 so much and how I desired to love God's word so much I would weep when it was not obeyed. It wasn't so much as a prayer as it was a statement made. But it is happening in my life...a deep love for God's word is being cultivated that I do weep.

Yesterday I talked with a friend for quite some time and my heart broke and broke and broke again. I got off the phone and cried. I don't understand how she can divorce the spiritual from the practical and with such ease take on blase faith. The choices she is making right now I cannot support, they go aganist God and the principles and guidlines he has given for us that we may live an abundant and holy life, not that its never hard or waiting is not involved, but it is good. A gal who poured over the Bible from the time I met her in jr. high and was always taking everything back to God, the gal who peppered all of our deep talks with verses and truth, now told me she doesn't care and she just wants to have fun right now. She ignores the verses and disregards truth. I just don't get it.

Greatly discouraged I called another friend who was able to share this frustration with me and build me back up. We both see too many of strong Christians sacrificing their unwavering faith for a little fun. And neither one of us understand it. But we both realize that it can happen to anyone. But how do we remain steadfast? We guard our hearts, our relationship with God, we dive deep into the Word, but is it enough? Or is it more a cancer that though you go through all the treatments and take all the medications there's no gaurentee you won't succomb?

Oh Lord, may this never be me!

God's Hidden Justice

2006-07-17T19:14:00.000-07:00

I sat accross from a friend this week watching as tears threatend to spill down her weathered cheeks. This woman had so much grief. Her husband died some odd years ago, her son was murdered a month ago and now her family in Lebanon is being bombed. So much hurt, so much pain. I sat there with nothing say and tearing up myself. And I kept thinking, how can God use any of this for his good?

I've been reading "When Life and Beliefs Collide" by Carolyn Curtis James (a book I would highly recommend every woman read and men should take a gander through too) and there was a chapter on the sovreignty of God--that everything works together for God's good and glory. I get it. I've heard it and has James says in her book, "we are great theologians in hindsight." This is true, but right now I look at my friend, at her pain and her hurt and her look of resignation and I wonder, where is God? Becuase of my hindsight, because I know he will work this for good I am looking, but in straining my eyes to find him here, I can't see him.

Sure I was able to love her and our church was able to show her some of Christ's love which she appericiated more than words can express, it brought a smile a joy, a hope even to her eyes as she said, "I thought there were no good people left in the world." And to get to share with her. But a few days later the bombing started. And she's devasted again. And her son's killer has a chance for a better life because he killed her son, with good behavior if convicted he can be out in seven years. He'll have a chance to get an education, to get help sobering up, medical anything, they'll help plug him back into society. He gets a second chance at life and George is dead. Where is justice? Where is God? I find it hard to believe the only good He will bring out of this is that I was able to share with her or that our church was able to give her some money. I know there is something more, I have to believe that God is doing something more. I just can't see it.

How has our world, our society become so unjust. Perhaps its just that I'm getting older and starting to see more of the sickness in this world, see more of the Enemy's work and the devasting effects of sin and tolerance. I don't know. All I know is that I must hold to believing God is doing a redemptive work somehow through his people, and that when he comes back he will be just in his judgment of this world. My finite mind struggles though to grasp the fairness of someone getting away with murder or because of murder getting a second, better chance at life. Of course I've considered, what if God will save this dark soul during his time in prision. And to be honest, to share some of my dark heart. I don't want him too. Its not fair. I don't understand the justice of God. I've never wrestled with something like this when its so close to home. I understand the gravity of all those stories of parents, widows, children, etc going and telling their loved's murderer they forgive them. I understand the difficulty. I'm not even related to George but I can't even begin to imagine not only forgiving his killer but welcoming him into the fold. Welcoming Pam, with joy and pleasure, but this guy? He doesn't deserve it! But then again neither did I, nor you, nor anyone else. I guess its times like these that reveal the still blackness of our hearts and the distance we still must go before we understand and love like God.

But I am looking far into speculation and ideas, I have no idea how this will play out but God does. And I have to trust he will be just. But how do I convey this conviction to this fragile woman weighed down by grief?

Ever After

2006-07-11T15:34:00.000-07:00

Ever After is one of those movies that I think every girl should see. Its a great adaptation of the classic Cinderella story infused with the strong will of Danielle. Since I saw it in theaters it has been on the top of movie must list. But after watching it this past weekend I gleamed a new insight that leads me to believe that this is a must see movie for everyone, not just the girls :)

Danielle tries to be everything that will please the Prince by being everything she isn't. In doing so the prince is unable to love her as he desires. It is not until she is herself--presents Danielle instead of Countess Nicole--that the prince is able to fully love her. She will learn to be a princess but she must start with being herself. Likewise, we will learn and grow in Christ to be the one he desires us to be but we first must start by being ourselves--presenting who we are right now not who we want to be or think we should be. We must fess up to being the poor servant. And in that fearful, vulnerable confession lies hope and love.

God's Hurting Children

2006-06-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I've had some interesting and heartbreaking insights into some friend's hearts. And the question I'm left asking is "how on earth can they be happy with who they are and the life they live?" One is so wrapped up in bitterness from past and new hurts that she is seems incapable of thankfulness. One is a control freak who doubles as a coward and cannot confront people when they have hurt her so she has someone else do it for her. One is content to walk away, disenchanted, from where God has so clearly called him to so that he can chase paradise.

Disclaimer: Granted, I am not God and I do not see the whole picture of their lives, my life, and the lives we all affect. I know that God has blessed me with wisdom, discernment and insight. I don't know all though, so I could be so off base with all this...

I worry about how there heart's condition now will affect the rest of their lives if they don't deal with it. I hold hope that God is big and can change hearts, the hardest of hearts, and I wouldn't go so far as to say that these are wandering sheep or hardened heart individuals. But greatly hurting. I love them and I want them to experience an abudant life, a life of joy and grace. In each situation though God has not given me freedom to speak much. I've listened. And I pray someday I will be given freedom to speak into their lives. But until then I can only pray for them...and have a heart check for myself.

Luke 6 includes the famous "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?". So I'd be a fool if I refused to learn from this. So I choose to learn. I choose to go back to the fruit of the Spirit and see where is it that I'm lacking? And I have choosen to open myself up to the Spirit and let him mold and change me. Its not that I'm better than these friends. I'm just like them. The only difference is the objectivness with which I view their lives. And they aren't bad. They are good friends and I love them. I wouldn't trade them in. They're struggling, I've struggled. I will struggle again. And I hope they will be there for me when I do, just as I am striving to be there for them...even if it only be in prayer.

The Spirit is funny way...working in ways that I don't understand but that bring about something beautiful in our lives. I look forward to seeing how these individuals grow through this and how they are molded in this to look more like Christ. I know this won't happen though until they are willing to break free from that which they have identified and defined themself with, a very hard and scary thing indeed...painful and freeing. Until one is ready and willing to relinquish their defintion for God's they cannot be free of it. And I pray this time comes soon for my friends. Because really the only thing that acurately defines us is "Child of God".

Last Year

2006-06-15T16:10:00.000-07:00

Time is a funny thing. One year ago I was sitting on a train heading towards Vienna with three drunk Austrian teenagers who proceeded to vomit all over the car creating a fine aroma and a lasting memorable final experience on a European train. But I miss it. One year ago I was saying goodbye to dear friends, many of whom I will not see again this side of Glory. One year ago I stayed up until 3:45am talking with a friend. One year I was leaving a safe, protected bubble life and returning to America.

I remember one of my first days back I was sitting in a Starbucks and some businessmen were upset because there weren't enough cozy chairs. I remember being angry with them, "how could they be so worked up about something so stupid when there is so much more going on in the world!!!" I remember trying to adjust back to normal life where retreating to my own quietness was not a challenge at all...having a room all to myself, eating meals by myself. Part of me is still trying to adjust. And its been one year.

When I was by myself on the train and then in the hotel room and then at the supermarket in Vienna on my own I realized that for the first time in nine months I was on my own. And I was lonely. There is a part of that lonliness I still have. There was something special in those months that I cherish and I don't know if I will experience it again. But it was good, it was a taste of perhaps heaven. Oh of course there were moments I hated communal life but more than not I look back and wish I would've enjoyed it more while I was there.

But that is in the past and all that's left are memories. I can't live in the past, I won't let myself. So I've taken time to reflect and relive and enjoy the memories. And now I look forward to the future, forward to where I will be next year and how I will have changed and what new memories I will make. Hopefully none invloving drunk Austrian teens.

Thanks to all who made one year ago and then some such a great time in my life!!!

CSI Meets Bible Parable

2006-05-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

Wednesday I heard the Audio Adrenaline song "Leaving Ninety-Nine" and I've been thinking about it all week...what does that look like? Sure I've read the Bible story and I've been taught this all my life and I myself have taught others this. (Luke 15)

"Your never to far down, I promise you'll be found, I'll reach into the mud and miry clay, pursue you to the end, like a faithful friend, nothing in this world could keep me away."

I've not doubted this. But I've taken it for granted. Sometimes as divine and wonderful as the Word is we just don't get it all the way. We need something to spark our intellect and understanding. I watched CSI tonight, it was a repeat of last seasons where Stokes was kidnapped and buried alive and the CSI force that went looking for him. And when they found his location the image of countless men and women looking for him, to save him. And it clicked. Like the CSI guys didn't give up and put everything else on hold to find him is exactly picture of God.

Fragile and Fleeting

2006-05-24T16:09:00.000-07:00

There are moments in which we realize how little control we have over our lives. Last Sunday night was another one for me. On my way home my car started to swerve into the shoulder and when I tried to correct it my car started to spin. I ended up slaming into the cement blocks on the shoulder facing the wrong direction. The car has a minor dent and I'm fine, just a little shaken and sore. As I look back and replay it over and over and over in my mind I realize how lucky I've been...no not lucky, protected by God. So many variables that could have changed everything and it could have been so much worse.

I find it rather perplexing as I think back on how many times I have almost died. All the way back to when I was a baby. I don't understand why God continues to protect me and save me. I used to think because there was so incredibly great and big and wonderful purpose he needed to use me for but I'm wondering if its more that he just wants me to live. To live for him, to be me and to spread his truth and love. Its got me thinking again about the difference between a medicore life and abundant life. And how its all about the manner in which you live not in what you accomplish.

It seems after each experience I have where I reflect on my life I always come to the same conclusion--I want to make my life count. Even if I never do anything great, noteworthy or famous I want to live in such a way that I make a difference and leave a legacy. I think about my dad and how he already has a legacy...the Crossroads Bible Church youth group and the thousands of kids he's reached out to and the thousands they've reached out to and so on. My dad isn't famous and he's never written a book or spoken at a big confrence or anything but he has lived in such a way that he has left a legacy and has made a difference in countless lives. He has lived with integrity and humility and has been faithful to God. He's not even dead yet, he's so much alive and will be for many years and I think about what else will be in his legacy and I think about what I want mine to be. And I hope that I can have the same impact, leaving my mark on whatever little corner of this planet God takes me.

...And God Responds...

2006-05-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

Last night in the middle of my minor nervous breakdown I was prompted to read Foster's Devotional Classics. Its been months since I've read any and I honestly didn't think that would help thus I ignored the Spirit's prompting for a few hours. Before going to be I was doing my nightly reading in Proverbs, I set my Bible down and on the floor was Devotional Classics. It caught my eye and with a small sigh I picked it up, thumbed thru it to where I'd left off. An excerpt from St. Augustine's Confessions. One quote jumped out at me and I literally caught my breath in a moment of utter humility:

"Why do you stand in your own strength and fail? Cast yourself upon God and have no fear. He will not shrink away and let your fall."

Boom.

On the Verge of Tears

2006-05-09T17:36:00.000-07:00

I pretty much realized today that everything is out of my control. Literally. My bank account is at $0, homework is piling up, friends I've alienated because of working like a dog and getting paid peanuts and trying to do this school thing and serving in jr. high ministry they unfortunately have been the ones I've neglected. Which I hate. I hate that I don't have the time I once had, or the money to hang out. I hate that I spend more time trying to pitch junk and childhood memories of mine on Craig's list than I do talking with my friends. I hate that no matter how much I try to do life I feel I fail miserably. And I hate that lately I have too often questioned God in a way that frustrates me. I just don't understand this and I catch myself wondering if He really will provide for me. I've heard it said "God pays for what he orders" but this is the first time where I've really questioned this idea, this is the first time where I must rely on God, and I don't mean to sound trite...honestly, I have no choice but to trust him and to continue on, wondering how I'm going to get everything done, make time for friends and my girls and pay the bills.

Welcome to the harsh realities of life Kristin.

Phantom of the Opera

2006-04-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

My two favorite operas by far are Les Meserables and Phantom of the Opera. I love the beauty of the them, the complexites and the great mirror into the human heart. I watched Phantom this afternoon and was struck by one artistic element.

The character of phantom is actually quite handsome are the beginning. The visible half of his face is quite nice to look at it and the dark hair is slicked by in an attractive, respectable manner. He moves gracefully and quietly, drawing you into the mystery of this man. But as the story develops he becomes more and more grotesque. Why? Because his character begins to come out and we see the depths of evil within this hurting individual. And as you recoginze all this, you find him more and more loathesome.

At the climax however he lets Christine and Raul go free, and when confronted with the purity of real love he melts. As he smashes the mirrors you see only half his face and somehow there is something attractive about it again. The image reflected in the mirror of the deformed man is distorted and no longer defines him, holds him captive and he escapes into the night.

This reminded me of the attractivness of evil. That evil can be enticing by the mystery of it but also by the presentation and packaging of it. That Satan was created first as an Angel, the most loved and beautiful, therefore I believe, though he is eternally fallen, he retains some of this beauty and uses that to mask the evil. Think about it, sin at first glance does not look utterly evil, no. It is wrapped with a flimsy layer of false promises that look good. But as you delve deeper you begin to see the wrapping fade away and see the true nature of it. Much like in the Phantom of the Opera. As Christine delves deeper into a relationship with the Phantom she sees more of his dark character and we as the audience see this as well. Unlike the Phantom though, there is no restoration possible for Satan and the evil he produces, but for those taken captive by it there is freedom...

Simple Mind

2006-04-01T18:46:00.000-08:00

I was praying for a friend this afternoon and was smacked upside the head by God with the realization I am utterly inadequate when it comes to prayer. We all are. Think about it. First off look at the structure of prayer: we pray to God, by the Son, through the power of the Spirit. We can't even talk to God on our own, we need two others to get us to that point!!! Second, in Romans 8:26 Paul says it like it really is, "we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Our finite minds simply cannot grasp that which we should be praying for. Isaiah 55:8-9 tells us God's thoughts and ways are way beyond our comprehension. The heart and mind of God are so far deeper than ours, who am I to approach prayer with any hint of pride, boldness yes, pride no.

So I was sitting there praying for a dear friend, that God uses the next two months as a time of intense preparation for what lies ahead. And I was hit with this; what if all she really needs in the next two months is rest? Or quality time with friends and family? What if her whole life up til now, or the last five years has been the intense preparation? I don't know the mind of God. I can't presume to know it. That's why I need the Spirit. Because he takes that simple-minded, one dimensional prayer and makes it what it should be. In the end, the root of my prayer is that God makes ready my friend and I believe that is what the Spirit takes to God. And I believe that is what God answers. Similarly when I pray for the fellowship of believers I crave God will answer but it might be with the details I map out.

Such is the bigness of God colliding with the smallness of me. Amen.

Die Hard

2006-03-25T16:41:00.000-08:00

I love this movie, especially the part where McClane is pulling the glass out of his foot and you see the smeared blood on the floor leading into the bathroom. I've see this movie like billion times and I never get sick of it! Right now its at the part where he's on top of the roof, covered in blood and swinging by a fire hose down behind a fireball of cosmic porportions, semi-automatic weapon handing from his shoulder. I don't know why but I just love this movie! And all to get his girl back. I love it. I love John McClane, almost as much as Vaughn in Alias. Why? Because they are men and they fight for and protect who they love.

He just walked into the room where Holly Gennaro is held captive by Hans and the sparks are falling behind him and he's covered in blood, glass, sweat and dirt and he looks totally defeated and spent, like he travelled through hell and back just to save his wife. Why, because sometimes even independent, successfull chicks need saving, they need to be protected just as much as the princesses in the disney fairy tale movies.

Music

2006-03-20T23:45:00.000-08:00

Its funny how songs can bring back such vivid memories. For instance everytime I hear Guns and Roses Welcome to the Jungle I smell chlorine, and for a moment I am back at Capernwray opening the pool for the three or four dedicated swimmers at the god forsaken hour of 6:00 (which is nothing to me now...that's sleeping in for crying out loud!).

Or Jars of Clay Flood. I think of Dane who in seventh grade was boy of the month once. I tried so hard to impress him as much as an awkward, odd duck of a girl could. I'm sure compared to his love of Nirvana and the true 107.7 the end (not the stuff nowadays...whatever happened to good radio?) my love of Christian alternative was a wee bit comical.

I've been going through many of my cds lately (and I've got enough to give any of ya'll a run for your money!) and well I miss music...good music, the kind that goes beyond a pop experience and taps at your heart, eeirly so. In way that your intelligence collides with your emotion and you are left in awe of the Artist. Music that moves you to think or to act. Music that demands a response from the hearer. Music with a meaning perhaps beyond what the artist intended. I love my old school music but I'm craving something new, something fresh.

I'm really digging A Collison by David Crowder Band. I love the fact that the record is more than words...it is art. I love that even if you took away the words the music is powerful, it tells a story on its own. And I'm stoked because I just found out that my favorite all time band is in studio on a new album, I've no clue when it will come but I know that it will not disappoint. However, Skillet is an aquired taste I do believe, what with the industrial rock sound and the penetrating, bring it on, "let's be frank" lyrics. Its about time.

The Power of Words

2006-03-19T14:02:00.000-08:00

Two words were said about me this weekend, two words wich elicted two differnt responses but made for a disappointing weekend with God. "Tease" and "Loud". Neither mouths that uttered these words meant them hurtfully, its just how I responded to them, no anger here, just well, confusion and a sense of failure as a Christian woman.

"Tease." This one just shocked me. I have never even considered myself a tease because well, I figured in order for one to be a tease one must not be one the extreme side of niavete and denial when it comes to guys and relationships. So as this was brought to my attention I've tried to understand how little oblivious me could come accross as a tease and how, if I really am a tease, how do I work on not being so when I don't even know what it is I do that is "tease" worthy? (A sidenote, if any of you guys who read this have some things please tell me...this is the last thing I want to be!)

"Loud." I think this description of me will always be the baine of my exsistence. I hate hearing it in conjuction with who I am but I hear it all to often. There are so many nights where I beg God that when I wake up the next morning I will wake to find he's changed me to be the sterotypical Christian woman who is quiet, gentle, graceful and loving, kind, and so on. Not this loud, outgoing, outspoken, opinionated, strong willed brat who struggles with her tongue and is little Miss Independant. So to hear it said about me, knowing full well it was not meant to be a mean comment or anything like, it made me go back to God and almost cry. I feel like such an odd duck half the time and just wish I could be quieter and described differently...is that the first thing people notice; that I'm loud?

On a very cognitive note: Its intriguing to me how a word said by person A with an intended meaning (be it positive, negative or neutral) can be heard by person B with an unintended meaning (be it positive, negative or neutral). Us humans are quite odd...

A Lesson Learned I Pass on to You

2006-03-15T18:40:00.000-08:00

If you lock your keys in your car don't walk to the nearby police station and ask for help.

First of all, the receptionist will stare blankly at you like you just asked her if they can save the world from a rapidly approaching bird army of biblical porportions. Then she will say, "I don't think so." In a very demeening manner, and still perplexed by the question.

Second, don't be undeterred. When you ask to talk to a police officer and to ask them yourself, she will look even more confused and point you to the room accross the way.

Third, don't go. Once you get there you will wait for some time and then speak with a person who is just as bemused by the request and will politely decline on behalf of the officers because, "they don't really do that."

You will walk away, not quite embarassed but wishing you'd cried a little to win some sympthay. Upon reaching the first receptionist who now thinks you must be high, you will ask to use a phone and will call your dad who tells you to call AAA. You will speak with Dot, who bless her heart, applauds your failed efforts and sends a short, unfriendly hero who will unlock your car in the famous Washington mist.

The end. Lesson over.

On Picking a Fight with God

2006-03-03T15:51:00.000-08:00

You lose. Always. I can't think of one time when I picked a fight with him and actually left with the trophy.

The last time I tried was in Austria. I hiked halfway up the Planai to my special spot and I literally shook my fist at God and cried and yelled and told him he was screwing up on a royal scale and I wasn't sure I wanted to play by his rules anymore. The fight was over before it even began. It was a beautiful night, clear and crisp and full of stars. The view directly accross from me was the outline of the Dauchstein mountains, snowcapped and set againist a midnight sky. Not one cloud, just moon and stars. When I finally shut up and let God speak he simply said, "Look up." I did and saw a shooting star (a little love note from God that is a whole other story in and of itself). I started crying even harder because of the weight of God's unrelenting, unfailing, forgiving and accepting love. That He could love such a brat was beyond me and all the anger and frustration and hurt and pain started to come into focus. It was legit, but it wasn't God's fault. It astounds me how God can win over my heart time and time again with the simplest of things and far greater than that, that he can silence me so quickly and in the stillness the magnitude of which the Spirit ministers to my soul is something I don't even have words to explain!

All this came back to me because I'm thinking of picking another fight with God. A hopeless endevor I know, for I know all too clearly that I will lose in a crushing way. But the strength in which God wins is comforting; its alluring and its beautiful. I want God to speak powerfully to me. I don't care if its rebuke or words of love, I just want to feel the power of Him--I want to be tremble and be still. But I want to fight. Its like when Jacob wrestled with God and wrestled all night but refused to let up until God blessed him. I want to fight with God until he speaks to me, until he blesses me with his felt presence... That's what I want right now. I want an anchor. I want to follow and to be led. And I will pick my fight, and I will lose. But I will be blessed, perhaps not in the way I desire on this superficial and selfish level, but on a deeper, spiritual level. Because I believe with every fight I pick, I dive deeper into an intimate relationship with God. For I lay before him my heart, my dreams, my desires and my fears--I let down my gaurd and I am vulnerable before the God of the universe, the God of wrath and love, and I give him free reign to do whatsoever pleases with my heart--to crush it or cradle it.

Perhaps its not so hopeless as I thought...

Reality v. Want

2006-02-24T14:44:00.000-08:00

I had this friend growing up who was just a breath of fresh air. The exubrance she brought and the flair she had was just refreshing. She spoke of life with a frankness and maturity that most teenagers shouldn't have been able to do so, yet she did. To the most dramatic moment in her life was ring of comedy. She was open and honest in her struggles and shared, sometimes too much, her struggles with sin. Yet I loved her and apperciated her so much because she lived life seemingly without fear. Everyday was an adventure on her roller coaster life. I remember a time when we got hopped on Jolt cola at a Christmas play at church and we're going crazy in the back row laughing and just being 7th grade girls. We were there for each other as much as we could be both in hard times and joyful times. I went to all her plays she came with me to TP our high school pastor's house. What can I say, it was a great friendship. I would trade quite a lot in this world to have it back.

I know this is sounding like this dear friend is dead, and in a sense, she is.

Oh sure, she still breathes and inhabits this earth, she lives and goes to Starbucks (because all Seattle people do) and listens to music, probably still acts like nobody else (she really should be on Broadway) and goes to bars and lives for herself. And in that sense, she's dead. The hardest thing I've had to struggle with God over in some time.

After college the all too familar story played out...we just drifted apart. I haven't seen her really since the end of freshman year. I've heard from others who've seen her that she's just not looking to well, and worse, that she's not walking with God. And that breaks my heart. Though I've always held onto this shred of hope in my heart that she's a Christian, she's just not living it right now. In Theology class we've been talking about salvation and the different views and election, predesintation and all those big words. Something struck a chord with me this week. We talked about can a person, a true believer, wander intentionally from God and still be saved.

The question, at face may look like asking if a person can lose their salvation, which is not true. But it more questions if the individual was ever truly saved at all. For a Christian to intentionally, unrepentently wander God will take them out. This happened in my family. My aunt was killed when she was a teenager but we all hold that it was because she was getting involved with some bad friends and was being stubborn about getting back in her relationship with God. She was a Christian and before she could wander too far, God took her home. What of those who wander intentionally and unrepentently so and never get taken out? After some discussion a very sobering thought came to surface--they weren't really saved to begin with. They just paid lip service, looked like they were growing but there was no root at all in them. Which means this friend of mine is more than likely dead spiritually and was never alive.

Intellectually, this makes sense. Theologically, this makes sense (John 15). Emotionally, this makes me yell at God.

Second Blog

2006-02-05T18:29:00.000-08:00

For any of you who are interested I've started another site that is just my poems. Only one up so far but I'll start adding more. I hope you enjoy.

www.feeblewords.blogspot.com

Homesick

2006-01-14T15:45:00.000-08:00

"Cuz we don't belong here no no we don't belong here. And we'll be dancing, singing, bringing our praises by lifting our voices to Jesus there'll be no more crying, lying or dying when you and I are in heaven." --Paul Wright "Heaven"

"We rock forever, we stop whenever/We die whenever, we live forever/Its a phenonomon that can't be stopped/Forever, we stop whenever." --Toby Mac "Phenonomon"

"I'm scared but I know my home is in another world." --Max, from the TV show "Roswell"

Lately I've been spending some time thinking about what it means to be aliens and strangers in this world. I've heard that cheesy phrase, "homesick for heaven" numerous times in my life but didn't take it to heart or, to be honest, really think it was true. I didn't understand that I could be homesick but the past few months I have expericenced this heavenly homesickness.

It started on December 2 when I was to have this huge dinner celebration for my birthday. Please don't get me wrong I am so thankful for the few that showed up, it meant so incredibly much to me that they took time out of their busy schedules to celebrate with me. But I was more discouraged then built up. Following this was a series of similar disappointments, people not showing up for coffee talks, people ignoring me, people being people. At church most of all. It got to the point where I enjoyed work at Starbucks more than I did going to church. That's sad. I was hurt by the lack of love I was feeling. The fact that I am not able to fully serve as I want to or to use my gifts as much as I want to. The fact that being a woman in the Christian world just sucks for me right now.

However, I can look at that and say to myself: "Get over it." But what really started to strike me is how jacked up this world is. The children starving in other third world countries, the invisible children, the homosexual lifestyle no longer being tolerated but embraced, the rising divorce rate among Christian couples, the violence and abuse in this society, the lack of morals among so many, and so on. I found myself angry as I'd wake up and start my day. It just pissed me off to hear all the crap in this world, and how as a byproduct so many innocent people are harmed.

I kept trying to think that my disappointment with life and my anger towards this fallen world was something I just had to get over. Then I read 1 Peter 2:11 where we called aliens and strangers. I started to wonder if maybe God was trying to speak to my heart through all of this. I remembered an old friend of mine had once commented that this verse reminded her we were just on one crappy vaction. It started to click. I'm not of this world. Of course I'm disappointed, frustrated and angry...its not my home.

Hebrews 11:3 says that those mentioned in the "hall of faith" all admitted they were aliens and strangers on earth. That totally caught my eye. I'm now in the middle of studying this more but I am so excited for what God is showing me. That in my disappointment I can see Christ's faithfulness and how in Heaven disappointment is done away with. Frustration with people and politics will be non-exisistent. The anger I feel towards this world is because it is fallen, heaven is perfect...I will not feel anger.

I'm not perfect, I know I let people down. I know I can frustrate people and hurt them with the best. But I do know this is not how life was intended to be and for the first time in my 23 years I finally see life as what it is, temporal and a crappy vaction. But knowing I'm not of this world, knowing I don't belong here is starting to give me a new view on life, "you can't kill a man when he's already dead." --John Cooper. Its becoming my conviction that those of great faith know this is not their home and live with a boldness and audacity that comes from that knowledge, a fearlessness that keeps them going and a hope that sustains them.

Invisible Children

2005-12-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

I don't understand politics. I try to avoid them as much as possible because it just doesn't make sense to me. But yesterday I was practically livid.

Okay so in a nutshell: In Uganda the LRA is a rebel force that is opposing the government. In order to build their army they kidnap children at night and brainwash them. The children are forced to walk for days without food or water. In their first night they are told they must make a kill and it only counts if the victim is beaten beyond recognition and the killer has blood on them. They are then taken to camps where they are brainwashed and treated in horrific ways that I don't want to remember. The girls are used as killing practice or as sex slaves. It is horrible to say the least.

Children in smaller villiages walk into the main town (for some this takes 6 hours of walking back and forth) to sleep on the sidewalks, in bus depots, in alleys, wherever they can. Thousands literally of children are crammed into the streets to sleep. But this is not exactly a safe haven. Girls are raped or molested. There are fights between the boys, theft, and so on. In short this a heinous place to be. All of it.

Three guys have made a documentary about it: www.invisiblechildren.com has much more information, not just about the children but the timeline, story for why this is going on.

Here's what made me so angry. Thousands of children are living in fear, hundreds of children have been turned into worthless killing machines and one man is free as he runs this whole thing. Now, I ask the question why is our army not doing anything? These men are terrorists, which is exactly what we've been trying to fight. Sure they're not attacking us but they are murdering innocent people! What is the worth of a child's life? Why are we not going in. I'm no military expert but I'd bet if we sent in some of our highly trained special ops we could take Kony out and save these children. The UN for crying out loud isn't this their job? Someone told me the reason why we probably won't ever go in to help in Uganda is because they don't have oil and the countries we do fight usually have oil. That pushed my button to the point where I was irrate. We value oil above a human life? What is wrong with us?

Granted there are some great private, Christian organizations that have taken action to rehibilating the children that escape and the three guys who made the documentary are trying to build a safe village for the children. They is a positive presence there trying to help. I am so thankful for that I find myself trying to think of ways I can help, I'm working on getting a showing of the documentary at my church and raising money to send but still I want to do more. I just don't know what. It seems like such a great injustice.

Please go to the link above and check out. If it tugs at your heart in any way, no matter how small, get involved.

Some People are Overrated...

2005-12-06T20:51:00.000-08:00

...especially those that rearend you, stop, look at you getting out of your car to inspect the damage and promptly drive off, chatting away on their cell phone.

Very few people really make my blood boil but this chick did. I thought about chasing after the sleek black car that was nice enough to give my rear bumper a nudge into oncoming traffic and saying thank you in my own way. Rationality kicked in and I realized this would not work. So I was left standing outside my car at night, at the end of the freeway watching cars whizz by. Contemplating what to do next and why are some people just jerks. Seriously now!

Thankfully other than a sore, stiff back and slight scratches there's no real damage. It just makes me mad.

Cycle Poems for my Theology Final

2005-11-27T20:15:00.000-08:00

(There is a thread that binds these poems together...I hope its clear enough for ya'll to see. The emphasis is on how our lives are interwoven and the affects of our sin. Sorry its long. It shouldn't take to long to read)

dawn
Lay down, lay down you filthy whore
Lay down, lay down you unwed mother
Lay down, lay down you hurting little girl
A grieving, angry heart you act out your
rebellion towards your Father. He took
your mentor, your friend, your mother
and left you with a preacher dad, too busy
for you. You conclude your Father does
not care so you run the other way.
Traces of the girl you once were still remain,
but your stubborn heart would rather
drown in pain. Through your teary eyes,
your world crashes again as you see a pink
line. He abandoned you again...again He’s left
you to your own devices. Again you conclude
He does not care. Lay down, lay down, you
hurting, scared, lost little girl.
**************************************
dave
You abandoned your principles for
temporal freedom–neglecting the price tag.
Dawn was your escape from a faux union,
from a nagging, controlling woman called,
wife. The squeaky wipers, (they sound just
like her) wake you from your haunting
thoughts and bring you back to face the
truth. A devastated girl sits with a blank
expression staring out the window. Your
guilty conscience says its your fault,
condemns you a murderer. The rain stops
and the Son breaks through–you squint,
trying to look away–there should be no
Son today–not for you, an accomplice to
a premature death for an unwanted life.
You fight back tears and beg the Son to
leave. You abandon your principles again,
you choose to live in shadows,
forgetting the warmth of the Son.
************************************
diane
Tick tock, always watching the clock
Tick tock, wondering where’s he at
Haggard and unsure he stumbles through
the door only to be met with a barrage of
your belittling hisses. No sweet kisses on
his tear stained face, no look of concern or
love, or even respect. He doesn’t deserve it,
for you suspect this inadequate, incompetent,
unreliable, unfaithful man. You secretly pride
yourself on your strong will, and ability to
intimidate him with just a look. He shuffles
shamefully passed you and locks himself
in his den. You bring before your god
the injustices against you. You bring before
your god your unhappy home. You beg him
to fix your husband, whom you disgust.
Tick tock, you call the preacher with the
wayward daughter. Tick tock.
**************************************
dan
Beloved or a failure–who are you?
A grieving widower who’s daughter has
run amuck. Who are you to mend your
flock, to speak in to the silence that
consumes the room and the tension that
destroys peace as the couple glares at one
another with cold eyes, crossed arms and
closed hearts. Your tired of this scene,
played out each day with differing faces and
calloused hearts, broken hearts, healing hearts,
different couples, same couch. Your tired of
trying to fix what no human can. You look
at today’s residents of the couch, you think
of your hurting little girl and your heart cries,
"O God! What have you done? Where have
you gone?" Each dawn you wrestle and fight
to comprehend the incomprehensible. A
grieving widower, the father to a stranger
who are you–a failure or beloved?
*****************************************
The bloodied Savior weeps for his
beloved. For how these children
profane their Father’s redeeming
love and deny the Spirit’s comfort.
The bloodied Savior weeps for his
beloved.

November's Band

2005-11-22T19:48:00.000-08:00

Charlie Dodrill--prologue to the drama

amazing lyrics, real and honest, taught himself how to play guitar by himself (he's my hero for the day) and his sound is great...hope ya'll enjoy

www.charliedodrill.com

My God of Beauty

2005-11-12T08:13:00.000-08:00

There's this 6th grade girl in our jr. high group who is wonderful. She's autistic and she's outspoken (alabeit so quietly) and she drools a lot. I love her. She is so innocent and pure and loves people so much. I love her. Did I mention yet I think she's pretty cool?

Well this last Wednesday we broke into small groups to discuss the nooma:Rain video and she was in my group. Halfway thru I was looking at her and seeing the cunck between her teeth, wondering if that was just from today or was it build-up from for some time and wondering why God had created her this. Knowing full well there are no accidents and nothing surprises God I found myself on the verge of being angry with him. This brillant young girl, why?

A few minutes go by and she interupts and asks if she can share something even though it doesn't have to do with the topic. I realize our discussion is already pretty derailed and never coming back so what the heck. She told us that the night before she had become a Christian. It took her a few minutes to get it out. All of the sudden I stopped trying to figure out 1) what the pink was between her teeth and 2) how on earth God could allow this girl to be austic. Why? I saw radiance. All I saw were beautiful blonde curls that girls would kill for and big, bright blue eyes. It hit me all at once. I'll never understand God and his reasons for creating this child of his as he did but I saw a glimpse of who we all are. We are drooling messes but once Christ invades our life we are transformed into something so much more beautiful. We still drool and still have the pink stuff in between our teeth but none of that is remotely as striking as the beauty of Christ in our life, you can't even see it anymore. God truly is amazing.

I've been studying about the imago dei (the image of God) in my theology class. Its so hard to fully describe and understand, this fingerprint of God we all walk around with. Hard to put it into words. But so like God, he didn't use words to convey this truth to me, he used a wonderful young sister of mine and his beauty to reveal to me what the imago dei is...the overshadowing and true beauty that only can exsist in something so pure as God and reflected in his children.

Insomniac

2005-11-09T01:04:00.000-08:00

I've been laying in bed watching as the red numbers change and just wondering why the heck I can't get to sleep. Its the first night in almost two weeks I haven't taken something to help me sleep (benadryl type stuff) and I am now remembering why I took it. I keep myself so busy throughout the day that the only time I really have uninterupted to talk with God is at night. But its hard to bear all before your Creator, hard to be honest and hard to hear no, or wait, and hard to face your failure...your sin.

So that's what I've been struggling with tonight. I'm tired of not hearing an answer, tired of being unsure about my future. I know I've been called to young women's ministry but I don't know how to get there. I honestly don't understand why I need a degree and why there is so much politics that go on within a church. I'm sick of politics. I'm sick of all this pressure to do everything; work, school, ministry, family, friends...and do it all to the full. Don't get me wrong I'm not one to do anything half baked, but it seems that's where I'm headed. The thing I want to do so much and want to pour my time into and the door is sealed shut. And nothing else looks remotely like what God has called me to. I wish I could rip out my heart and put in here for ya'll to see so that you could understand where I'm coming from. I can't even fully express where I'm at.

There are times where I am almost in tears because I am a woman. Where I wonder why the heck God gave me a desire, a passion to teach and to lead in a ministry dominated by men. I don't get it. I feel so useless sometimes and like I'm not living up to God's potential for me. A few weeks back I hit a low. The guys on staff were called upon to perhaps be "more faithful" in the ministry at a point in the near future because of some changes that might occur. This means they'll get to teach and run things. Maybe I'm just a glory hog, but I don't think so and I hope it doesn't sound as such. I am bitter, but I'm not sure who with. I just feel like I'm second rate and have no real role in my ministry. Like the girls are less valuable than the guys and as staff that I really don't have a place other than teaching the girls and cleaning up after the guys. I don't want to be a pastor, I don't want to be the brat who does things for shock or to prove I can do them but I do want to use my gifts, I do want to do what God has called me to but all I see is a cage of red tape.

You see why I take sleeping aids!? I'm sure you're confused just reading this, but you can click out of this and be done. I wish I could. But as soon as I click out of this I will go lay back down and wrestle some more as I watch the red numbers change.

A Divine Traffic Jam

2005-10-23T23:10:00.000-07:00

Last weekend we took our 8th graders out to Gig Harbor, WA for a retreat. Just your average, run of the mill christian youth retreat. Totally fun and exciting but something many of you can imagine. Its only about two hours away but it ended up taking seven hours due to a jumper on top of the Tacoma Narrows bridge and ensuing three care accident closing down the lanes on the bridge. I wasn't as upset as I normally would be, (I am not the most patient or gracious driver when stuck in parked traffic) I was actually quite contemplative. Its interesting, Genesis 50 talks about how what man has intended for evil God can use for good. That priniciple rang true I think last Friday night.

I sat in my little Carolla with two jr. high girls and after an hour or two of joking and determing that I should marry Matt Kearney (some hip hop singer I'll never meet, much less actually marry:) and eating two pringle cans and who knows how many M&M's, I finally let God penetrate my defenses and listened to what the Spirit was whispering to me.

The jumper, though I know him not, hit me. I remember a time when I was that confused and hurt and lonely...and selfish. For the first time I realized how selfish I had been 9 years ago when I had contemplated suicide. This guy shut down traffic for litteraly hours. His choice was affecting so many people. Not just his friends and family, complete stangers. Perhaps I am being shallow or just awakening to a new realization--the weight of selfishness is heavy. It infects and destroys and is disdainful. Fortunately the jumper was talked down but for the next two hours I'd sat and wrestled with the selfish girl I had been at 14 and the selfish girl I am now. How so little has changed, except I no longer act it out the same way. I still want attention. Sometimes I don't know if its healthy attention I want or utterly unhealthy. There are times where I can so easily identify with that jumper, where I feel so desperate for attention that I would take equally desperate measures to attain it. Yet something holds me back. I think that would have to be God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ.

I looked at the two girls sitting next to me and prayed so earnestly that they would never be so caught up in despair and selfishness to act out in violence against themselves. That God would protect them from it. But sometimes it is the most vile and painful things we go through that become that which makes bloom. But I still don't want my girls to hurt and behave the way I did...All that from one person. I'm sure I wasn't the only one from all the hundreds, if not thousands, of people who were stuck parked on the freeway becuase of one man's choice.

Funny to think one person could make such a difference...

Nightmares or Something More

2005-10-09T22:56:00.000-07:00

Tonight at Mars Hill Mark Driscoll preached on demon possesion and/or opression. Some of the things he was saying were really striking some chords with me. All my life I've had horrible nightmares and night terrors. The kind that wakes you up drenched in sweat, crying, and afraid to go to sleep. Sometimes I am so scared I can't even move, I'm afraid to even open my eyes. Other times I am certain that I will not live through the night. Its bad. And this is as far back as I can remember. No joke. But from as far back as I can remember it was always blamed on an overactive imagination, too much TV, etc. No one ever thought it might be opression.

I was so choked up in the sermon. It was so heavy and I was afraid, what if it is true? What if all these years its been demonic opression in my life? Now I'm not one to jump on some charismatic band wagon and blame every bad or scary thing on Satan but this, this made sense. This is real, it is very possible that it is true in my life. Also not saying I'm possesed...that isn't true at all. But I'm starting to wonder if this gripping, paralyzing fear I experience is torment. Driscoll was talking about being in the sheild of Jesus and how that makes us safe. Immediately I wanted to be under that sheild. I desperately wanted to be under it. I sat there and was already afraid to leave that building, afraid of the short walk to my car, the drive home, the night. I wanted to be back at Bible School where I only had two nightmares the whole nine months I was there, where I felt safe and protected spiritually. It was such an odd feeling to so crave something that is freely given, I need only ask.

I was driving home and praying and came to quite a startling question: "Who am I without these nightmares and fears?" I am free yes, but who am I? They have come to be a defining part of my life. They are something that though I despise them I also rely on them. All my life this opression, if you will, has been a part of me, shaping me. Without them...well I don't know even know. Its fear of good thing, of spiritual freedom! I was thinking about what if tonight I slept peacefully for a full night of sleep, no sleep aid, no night terrors or the like, what if that become the normal. Then what? I don't know. Its the like the deaf person who all of the sudden gets a hearing aid and they are able to hear for the first time. Its not bad but the thing that has helped define them is no more. What do you do in that moment?

If anyone wants to check out Mars Hill or this particular sermon here's the link:
www.marshillchurch.org go to downloads, then click on sermons and the topic is The Atonement.

Life as a Barista, Part One

2005-10-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

I had my first day at Starbucks yesterday. I am so overwhelmed with all the training. Its been years since I've had a job that has so much, and even then it was training in something I'd been doing for years (childcare) so it was just a breeze. This, this is so out of my element. I like being the customer at Starbucks, not so sure I'm liking being a partner there...yet. If I can make it through these next weeks of training I'm sure I'll love it. Its just so much at one time. And so many questions I need to ask! I feel like I'm two again and being little miss obnoxious with all the questions I ask. But I guess asking is better than not knowing. And already some scheduling conflicts which I hope is not a sign of things to come.

In other news, my sister is moving to Scotland tomorrow. I think this will be the hardest goodbye I've said all year. Its my sister! Sure she's lived in California for the past ten years or so but I saw her two or three times a year, now I'll only get to see her once a year...at most! How sad is that. I love my sister, I bounce my ideas and thoughts off her and she is a good older sister and listens and gives advice. It's just weird. But typical me, I don't want to deal with the emotional pain of saying goodbye so I just repress it and avoid my sister. I'm just not sure if I can handle one more emotional goodbye.

Sweet New Band

2005-09-11T23:17:00.000-07:00

My new favorite local band:

www.briandixen.com

Check 'em out. Incredible. See a show. Worth the drive.

Shattered Dreams

2005-09-08T00:56:00.000-07:00

So today I found out that my friend has finally had his dream come true. For almost 10 years he's been dreaming of being in the Army and as of tomorrow he will be officially sworn into the United States Army. I am thrilled for him, honest, but, well...I'm a mix of pure excitment for him and pure envy of him. I've been waiting just as long to see my dream fulfilled and its still years down the line...

I asked him what it feels like to have a dream come true. He said, "It feels good." I realized that I have no idea what it feels like. I can't think of one dream of mine that as come true all my life...Its hard to watch on as my friends start to reach theirs and I'm still stuck, still average with nothing to set me apart or make me unique. I've a friend working in New Zealand, another friend at Bible school where I would love to be, numerous friends have tied the knot, one friend is off travelling and now, one is in the army, one is headed back to Capernwray, and one has a sweet internship.

It was about a month ago I realized my dreams had fallen, and well, one has remained and been refined. I still dream of working in young women's ministries, retreats and bible studies and dicispleship and so on. But it is so far off...its just insanely and utterly discouraging. And so hard to be excited and pumped for my friend. Finding it hard to genuinely, completely rejoice with those who rejoice...

Friends and I Do's

2005-08-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

Six years ago I confronted a friend of mine on some sin in her life. She called me some choice names and said some very hurtful things I still can recall with much color. And our friendship, which was once tremendously close, was gone. The next day it was nothing but the Grand Canyon between us. I finally got over it a few years back and was finally glad that I had said something, forgiven her and moved on. No longer dwelling on the past.

Now she's engaged, nay, getting married tomorrow night and I am completely torn. She has mentioned to me it would mean a lot to her if I come. But I'm not sure I'm strong enough. I'm so frustrated and mixed up by it. We've met up once since jr. year to go see Ty Pennington from Trading spaces. That was almost two years ago. How awkward is it going to be to show up to her wedding. I don't even know where I stand. Do I support it or not. I'm happy for her, but I just don't know.

No one ever gave a warning that relationships with people are messy and very confusing, no one ever told me it would be so hard to be single and watch someone who was once your best friend say "I do" and you are not involved in the slightest bit... It surprises me how hard it is. I've been to five other weddings this summer and none have caused such distress and confusion or brought so much pain...

Why am I doing this?

2005-07-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

To be honest I have no real idea why I have just created a blog. I don't really see that much a need for it. But whatev, its a done deal and I guess I'll just see how it works out, if I even ever remember I have it and post to it. But whatev.

So last night was the Potato Olympics for the jr. high group at my church. It was quite fun, the only lowlight for me was in the chip eating contest. The entire team had to eat a whole bag of sea salt and vinegar chips. About half way thru the bag I was feeling queasy and I couldn't eat anymore let alone the students who one boy was practically in tears from them. So I cheated. I dumped the rest in a box and kicked it under a table. We would've won had another staff on a different team not said anything. It ended up being a laugh even though we lost a 1000 points. But here's what I'm thinking: I am a horrible staff person (well not horrible, just a bit, well, I don't know but not horrible) because I exampled for this group of students being ultra competitive and a bad sport to the point of cheating! This is why I usually choose not to play in the games because this always happens. I think last night I realized how much I need to work on this and remembering that I am an example for these students and not getting so caught up in what they are doing. An interesting balance, being competitve with them and still remaining a respectable authority.

Our team came in last place of course...