Nightmares or Something More

Tonight at Mars Hill Mark Driscoll preached on demon possesion and/or opression. Some of the things he was saying were really striking some chords with me. All my life I've had horrible nightmares and night terrors. The kind that wakes you up drenched in sweat, crying, and afraid to go to sleep. Sometimes I am so scared I can't even move, I'm afraid to even open my eyes. Other times I am certain that I will not live through the night. Its bad. And this is as far back as I can remember. No joke. But from as far back as I can remember it was always blamed on an overactive imagination, too much TV, etc. No one ever thought it might be opression.

I was so choked up in the sermon. It was so heavy and I was afraid, what if it is true? What if all these years its been demonic opression in my life? Now I'm not one to jump on some charismatic band wagon and blame every bad or scary thing on Satan but this, this made sense. This is real, it is very possible that it is true in my life. Also not saying I'm possesed...that isn't true at all. But I'm starting to wonder if this gripping, paralyzing fear I experience is torment. Driscoll was talking about being in the sheild of Jesus and how that makes us safe. Immediately I wanted to be under that sheild. I desperately wanted to be under it. I sat there and was already afraid to leave that building, afraid of the short walk to my car, the drive home, the night. I wanted to be back at Bible School where I only had two nightmares the whole nine months I was there, where I felt safe and protected spiritually. It was such an odd feeling to so crave something that is freely given, I need only ask.

I was driving home and praying and came to quite a startling question: "Who am I without these nightmares and fears?" I am free yes, but who am I? They have come to be a defining part of my life. They are something that though I despise them I also rely on them. All my life this opression, if you will, has been a part of me, shaping me. Without them...well I don't know even know. Its fear of good thing, of spiritual freedom! I was thinking about what if tonight I slept peacefully for a full night of sleep, no sleep aid, no night terrors or the like, what if that become the normal. Then what? I don't know. Its the like the deaf person who all of the sudden gets a hearing aid and they are able to hear for the first time. Its not bad but the thing that has helped define them is no more. What do you do in that moment?

If anyone wants to check out Mars Hill or this particular sermon here's the link:
www.marshillchurch.org go to downloads, then click on sermons and the topic is The Atonement.