Insomniac

I've been laying in bed watching as the red numbers change and just wondering why the heck I can't get to sleep. Its the first night in almost two weeks I haven't taken something to help me sleep (benadryl type stuff) and I am now remembering why I took it. I keep myself so busy throughout the day that the only time I really have uninterupted to talk with God is at night. But its hard to bear all before your Creator, hard to be honest and hard to hear no, or wait, and hard to face your failure...your sin.

So that's what I've been struggling with tonight. I'm tired of not hearing an answer, tired of being unsure about my future. I know I've been called to young women's ministry but I don't know how to get there. I honestly don't understand why I need a degree and why there is so much politics that go on within a church. I'm sick of politics. I'm sick of all this pressure to do everything; work, school, ministry, family, friends...and do it all to the full. Don't get me wrong I'm not one to do anything half baked, but it seems that's where I'm headed. The thing I want to do so much and want to pour my time into and the door is sealed shut. And nothing else looks remotely like what God has called me to. I wish I could rip out my heart and put in here for ya'll to see so that you could understand where I'm coming from. I can't even fully express where I'm at.

There are times where I am almost in tears because I am a woman. Where I wonder why the heck God gave me a desire, a passion to teach and to lead in a ministry dominated by men. I don't get it. I feel so useless sometimes and like I'm not living up to God's potential for me. A few weeks back I hit a low. The guys on staff were called upon to perhaps be "more faithful" in the ministry at a point in the near future because of some changes that might occur. This means they'll get to teach and run things. Maybe I'm just a glory hog, but I don't think so and I hope it doesn't sound as such. I am bitter, but I'm not sure who with. I just feel like I'm second rate and have no real role in my ministry. Like the girls are less valuable than the guys and as staff that I really don't have a place other than teaching the girls and cleaning up after the guys. I don't want to be a pastor, I don't want to be the brat who does things for shock or to prove I can do them but I do want to use my gifts, I do want to do what God has called me to but all I see is a cage of red tape.

You see why I take sleeping aids!? I'm sure you're confused just reading this, but you can click out of this and be done. I wish I could. But as soon as I click out of this I will go lay back down and wrestle some more as I watch the red numbers change.