A Divine Traffic Jam

Last weekend we took our 8th graders out to Gig Harbor, WA for a retreat. Just your average, run of the mill christian youth retreat. Totally fun and exciting but something many of you can imagine. Its only about two hours away but it ended up taking seven hours due to a jumper on top of the Tacoma Narrows bridge and ensuing three care accident closing down the lanes on the bridge. I wasn't as upset as I normally would be, (I am not the most patient or gracious driver when stuck in parked traffic) I was actually quite contemplative. Its interesting, Genesis 50 talks about how what man has intended for evil God can use for good. That priniciple rang true I think last Friday night.

I sat in my little Carolla with two jr. high girls and after an hour or two of joking and determing that I should marry Matt Kearney (some hip hop singer I'll never meet, much less actually marry:) and eating two pringle cans and who knows how many M&M's, I finally let God penetrate my defenses and listened to what the Spirit was whispering to me.

The jumper, though I know him not, hit me. I remember a time when I was that confused and hurt and lonely...and selfish. For the first time I realized how selfish I had been 9 years ago when I had contemplated suicide. This guy shut down traffic for litteraly hours. His choice was affecting so many people. Not just his friends and family, complete stangers. Perhaps I am being shallow or just awakening to a new realization--the weight of selfishness is heavy. It infects and destroys and is disdainful. Fortunately the jumper was talked down but for the next two hours I'd sat and wrestled with the selfish girl I had been at 14 and the selfish girl I am now. How so little has changed, except I no longer act it out the same way. I still want attention. Sometimes I don't know if its healthy attention I want or utterly unhealthy. There are times where I can so easily identify with that jumper, where I feel so desperate for attention that I would take equally desperate measures to attain it. Yet something holds me back. I think that would have to be God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus Christ.

I looked at the two girls sitting next to me and prayed so earnestly that they would never be so caught up in despair and selfishness to act out in violence against themselves. That God would protect them from it. But sometimes it is the most vile and painful things we go through that become that which makes bloom. But I still don't want my girls to hurt and behave the way I did...All that from one person. I'm sure I wasn't the only one from all the hundreds, if not thousands, of people who were stuck parked on the freeway becuase of one man's choice.

Funny to think one person could make such a difference...

Nightmares or Something More

Tonight at Mars Hill Mark Driscoll preached on demon possesion and/or opression. Some of the things he was saying were really striking some chords with me. All my life I've had horrible nightmares and night terrors. The kind that wakes you up drenched in sweat, crying, and afraid to go to sleep. Sometimes I am so scared I can't even move, I'm afraid to even open my eyes. Other times I am certain that I will not live through the night. Its bad. And this is as far back as I can remember. No joke. But from as far back as I can remember it was always blamed on an overactive imagination, too much TV, etc. No one ever thought it might be opression.

I was so choked up in the sermon. It was so heavy and I was afraid, what if it is true? What if all these years its been demonic opression in my life? Now I'm not one to jump on some charismatic band wagon and blame every bad or scary thing on Satan but this, this made sense. This is real, it is very possible that it is true in my life. Also not saying I'm possesed...that isn't true at all. But I'm starting to wonder if this gripping, paralyzing fear I experience is torment. Driscoll was talking about being in the sheild of Jesus and how that makes us safe. Immediately I wanted to be under that sheild. I desperately wanted to be under it. I sat there and was already afraid to leave that building, afraid of the short walk to my car, the drive home, the night. I wanted to be back at Bible School where I only had two nightmares the whole nine months I was there, where I felt safe and protected spiritually. It was such an odd feeling to so crave something that is freely given, I need only ask.

I was driving home and praying and came to quite a startling question: "Who am I without these nightmares and fears?" I am free yes, but who am I? They have come to be a defining part of my life. They are something that though I despise them I also rely on them. All my life this opression, if you will, has been a part of me, shaping me. Without them...well I don't know even know. Its fear of good thing, of spiritual freedom! I was thinking about what if tonight I slept peacefully for a full night of sleep, no sleep aid, no night terrors or the like, what if that become the normal. Then what? I don't know. Its the like the deaf person who all of the sudden gets a hearing aid and they are able to hear for the first time. Its not bad but the thing that has helped define them is no more. What do you do in that moment?

If anyone wants to check out Mars Hill or this particular sermon here's the link:
www.marshillchurch.org go to downloads, then click on sermons and the topic is The Atonement.

Life as a Barista, Part One

I had my first day at Starbucks yesterday. I am so overwhelmed with all the training. Its been years since I've had a job that has so much, and even then it was training in something I'd been doing for years (childcare) so it was just a breeze. This, this is so out of my element. I like being the customer at Starbucks, not so sure I'm liking being a partner there...yet. If I can make it through these next weeks of training I'm sure I'll love it. Its just so much at one time. And so many questions I need to ask! I feel like I'm two again and being little miss obnoxious with all the questions I ask. But I guess asking is better than not knowing. And already some scheduling conflicts which I hope is not a sign of things to come.

In other news, my sister is moving to Scotland tomorrow. I think this will be the hardest goodbye I've said all year. Its my sister! Sure she's lived in California for the past ten years or so but I saw her two or three times a year, now I'll only get to see her once a year...at most! How sad is that. I love my sister, I bounce my ideas and thoughts off her and she is a good older sister and listens and gives advice. It's just weird. But typical me, I don't want to deal with the emotional pain of saying goodbye so I just repress it and avoid my sister. I'm just not sure if I can handle one more emotional goodbye.