God's Hurting Children

Recently I've had some interesting and heartbreaking insights into some friend's hearts. And the question I'm left asking is "how on earth can they be happy with who they are and the life they live?" One is so wrapped up in bitterness from past and new hurts that she is seems incapable of thankfulness. One is a control freak who doubles as a coward and cannot confront people when they have hurt her so she has someone else do it for her. One is content to walk away, disenchanted, from where God has so clearly called him to so that he can chase paradise.

Disclaimer: Granted, I am not God and I do not see the whole picture of their lives, my life, and the lives we all affect. I know that God has blessed me with wisdom, discernment and insight. I don't know all though, so I could be so off base with all this...

I worry about how there heart's condition now will affect the rest of their lives if they don't deal with it. I hold hope that God is big and can change hearts, the hardest of hearts, and I wouldn't go so far as to say that these are wandering sheep or hardened heart individuals. But greatly hurting. I love them and I want them to experience an abudant life, a life of joy and grace. In each situation though God has not given me freedom to speak much. I've listened. And I pray someday I will be given freedom to speak into their lives. But until then I can only pray for them...and have a heart check for myself.

Luke 6 includes the famous "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?". So I'd be a fool if I refused to learn from this. So I choose to learn. I choose to go back to the fruit of the Spirit and see where is it that I'm lacking? And I have choosen to open myself up to the Spirit and let him mold and change me. Its not that I'm better than these friends. I'm just like them. The only difference is the objectivness with which I view their lives. And they aren't bad. They are good friends and I love them. I wouldn't trade them in. They're struggling, I've struggled. I will struggle again. And I hope they will be there for me when I do, just as I am striving to be there for them...even if it only be in prayer.

The Spirit is funny way...working in ways that I don't understand but that bring about something beautiful in our lives. I look forward to seeing how these individuals grow through this and how they are molded in this to look more like Christ. I know this won't happen though until they are willing to break free from that which they have identified and defined themself with, a very hard and scary thing indeed...painful and freeing. Until one is ready and willing to relinquish their defintion for God's they cannot be free of it. And I pray this time comes soon for my friends. Because really the only thing that acurately defines us is "Child of God".

Last Year

Time is a funny thing. One year ago I was sitting on a train heading towards Vienna with three drunk Austrian teenagers who proceeded to vomit all over the car creating a fine aroma and a lasting memorable final experience on a European train. But I miss it. One year ago I was saying goodbye to dear friends, many of whom I will not see again this side of Glory. One year ago I stayed up until 3:45am talking with a friend. One year I was leaving a safe, protected bubble life and returning to America.

I remember one of my first days back I was sitting in a Starbucks and some businessmen were upset because there weren't enough cozy chairs. I remember being angry with them, "how could they be so worked up about something so stupid when there is so much more going on in the world!!!" I remember trying to adjust back to normal life where retreating to my own quietness was not a challenge at all...having a room all to myself, eating meals by myself. Part of me is still trying to adjust. And its been one year.

When I was by myself on the train and then in the hotel room and then at the supermarket in Vienna on my own I realized that for the first time in nine months I was on my own. And I was lonely. There is a part of that lonliness I still have. There was something special in those months that I cherish and I don't know if I will experience it again. But it was good, it was a taste of perhaps heaven. Oh of course there were moments I hated communal life but more than not I look back and wish I would've enjoyed it more while I was there.

But that is in the past and all that's left are memories. I can't live in the past, I won't let myself. So I've taken time to reflect and relive and enjoy the memories. And now I look forward to the future, forward to where I will be next year and how I will have changed and what new memories I will make. Hopefully none invloving drunk Austrian teens.

Thanks to all who made one year ago and then some such a great time in my life!!!