11.27.2005

Cycle Poems for my Theology Final

(There is a thread that binds these poems together...I hope its clear enough for ya'll to see. The emphasis is on how our lives are interwoven and the affects of our sin. Sorry its long. It shouldn't take to long to read)

dawn
Lay down, lay down you filthy whore
Lay down, lay down you unwed mother
Lay down, lay down you hurting little girl
A grieving, angry heart you act out your
rebellion towards your Father. He took
your mentor, your friend, your mother
and left you with a preacher dad, too busy
for you. You conclude your Father does
not care so you run the other way.
Traces of the girl you once were still remain,
but your stubborn heart would rather
drown in pain. Through your teary eyes,
your world crashes again as you see a pink
line. He abandoned you again...again He’s left
you to your own devices. Again you conclude
He does not care. Lay down, lay down, you
hurting, scared, lost little girl.
**************************************
dave
You abandoned your principles for
temporal freedom–neglecting the price tag.
Dawn was your escape from a faux union,
from a nagging, controlling woman called,
wife. The squeaky wipers, (they sound just
like her) wake you from your haunting
thoughts and bring you back to face the
truth. A devastated girl sits with a blank
expression staring out the window. Your
guilty conscience says its your fault,
condemns you a murderer. The rain stops
and the Son breaks through–you squint,
trying to look away–there should be no
Son today–not for you, an accomplice to
a premature death for an unwanted life.
You fight back tears and beg the Son to
leave. You abandon your principles again,
you choose to live in shadows,
forgetting the warmth of the Son.
************************************
diane
Tick tock, always watching the clock
Tick tock, wondering where’s he at
Haggard and unsure he stumbles through
the door only to be met with a barrage of
your belittling hisses. No sweet kisses on
his tear stained face, no look of concern or
love, or even respect. He doesn’t deserve it,
for you suspect this inadequate, incompetent,
unreliable, unfaithful man. You secretly pride
yourself on your strong will, and ability to
intimidate him with just a look. He shuffles
shamefully passed you and locks himself
in his den. You bring before your god
the injustices against you. You bring before
your god your unhappy home. You beg him
to fix your husband, whom you disgust.
Tick tock, you call the preacher with the
wayward daughter. Tick tock.
**************************************
dan
Beloved or a failure–who are you?
A grieving widower who’s daughter has
run amuck. Who are you to mend your
flock, to speak in to the silence that
consumes the room and the tension that
destroys peace as the couple glares at one
another with cold eyes, crossed arms and
closed hearts. Your tired of this scene,
played out each day with differing faces and
calloused hearts, broken hearts, healing hearts,
different couples, same couch. Your tired of
trying to fix what no human can. You look
at today’s residents of the couch, you think
of your hurting little girl and your heart cries,
"O God! What have you done? Where have
you gone?" Each dawn you wrestle and fight
to comprehend the incomprehensible. A
grieving widower, the father to a stranger
who are you–a failure or beloved?
*****************************************
The bloodied Savior weeps for his
beloved. For how these children
profane their Father’s redeeming
love and deny the Spirit’s comfort.
The bloodied Savior weeps for his
beloved.

11.22.2005

November's Band

Charlie Dodrill--prologue to the drama

amazing lyrics, real and honest, taught himself how to play guitar by himself (he's my hero for the day) and his sound is great...hope ya'll enjoy

www.charliedodrill.com

11.12.2005

My God of Beauty

There's this 6th grade girl in our jr. high group who is wonderful. She's autistic and she's outspoken (alabeit so quietly) and she drools a lot. I love her. She is so innocent and pure and loves people so much. I love her. Did I mention yet I think she's pretty cool?

Well this last Wednesday we broke into small groups to discuss the nooma:Rain video and she was in my group. Halfway thru I was looking at her and seeing the cunck between her teeth, wondering if that was just from today or was it build-up from for some time and wondering why God had created her this. Knowing full well there are no accidents and nothing surprises God I found myself on the verge of being angry with him. This brillant young girl, why?

A few minutes go by and she interupts and asks if she can share something even though it doesn't have to do with the topic. I realize our discussion is already pretty derailed and never coming back so what the heck. She told us that the night before she had become a Christian. It took her a few minutes to get it out. All of the sudden I stopped trying to figure out 1) what the pink was between her teeth and 2) how on earth God could allow this girl to be austic. Why? I saw radiance. All I saw were beautiful blonde curls that girls would kill for and big, bright blue eyes. It hit me all at once. I'll never understand God and his reasons for creating this child of his as he did but I saw a glimpse of who we all are. We are drooling messes but once Christ invades our life we are transformed into something so much more beautiful. We still drool and still have the pink stuff in between our teeth but none of that is remotely as striking as the beauty of Christ in our life, you can't even see it anymore. God truly is amazing.

I've been studying about the imago dei (the image of God) in my theology class. Its so hard to fully describe and understand, this fingerprint of God we all walk around with. Hard to put it into words. But so like God, he didn't use words to convey this truth to me, he used a wonderful young sister of mine and his beauty to reveal to me what the imago dei is...the overshadowing and true beauty that only can exsist in something so pure as God and reflected in his children.

11.09.2005

Insomniac

I've been laying in bed watching as the red numbers change and just wondering why the heck I can't get to sleep. Its the first night in almost two weeks I haven't taken something to help me sleep (benadryl type stuff) and I am now remembering why I took it. I keep myself so busy throughout the day that the only time I really have uninterupted to talk with God is at night. But its hard to bear all before your Creator, hard to be honest and hard to hear no, or wait, and hard to face your failure...your sin.

So that's what I've been struggling with tonight. I'm tired of not hearing an answer, tired of being unsure about my future. I know I've been called to young women's ministry but I don't know how to get there. I honestly don't understand why I need a degree and why there is so much politics that go on within a church. I'm sick of politics. I'm sick of all this pressure to do everything; work, school, ministry, family, friends...and do it all to the full. Don't get me wrong I'm not one to do anything half baked, but it seems that's where I'm headed. The thing I want to do so much and want to pour my time into and the door is sealed shut. And nothing else looks remotely like what God has called me to. I wish I could rip out my heart and put in here for ya'll to see so that you could understand where I'm coming from. I can't even fully express where I'm at.

There are times where I am almost in tears because I am a woman. Where I wonder why the heck God gave me a desire, a passion to teach and to lead in a ministry dominated by men. I don't get it. I feel so useless sometimes and like I'm not living up to God's potential for me. A few weeks back I hit a low. The guys on staff were called upon to perhaps be "more faithful" in the ministry at a point in the near future because of some changes that might occur. This means they'll get to teach and run things. Maybe I'm just a glory hog, but I don't think so and I hope it doesn't sound as such. I am bitter, but I'm not sure who with. I just feel like I'm second rate and have no real role in my ministry. Like the girls are less valuable than the guys and as staff that I really don't have a place other than teaching the girls and cleaning up after the guys. I don't want to be a pastor, I don't want to be the brat who does things for shock or to prove I can do them but I do want to use my gifts, I do want to do what God has called me to but all I see is a cage of red tape.

You see why I take sleeping aids!? I'm sure you're confused just reading this, but you can click out of this and be done. I wish I could. But as soon as I click out of this I will go lay back down and wrestle some more as I watch the red numbers change.